I Never Meant To Lie

July 5, 2011
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Truthfully it does hurt for you to talk to him. I want to talk to him. I want him to tell me. It bothers me for you to talk to him so much. I never got the chance to talk with him that much. So for you to have that opportunity hurts me and makes me reminisce more. Things aren't and shouldn't always be my way. I don't want you to stop talking to him. I don't want to change what you two do. I just want to know if you talk about me. It's probably not true, but I feel like you would talk about me a lot. I feel awkward being with you and you talking to him. It makes me think. And I don't always think about the good things. I think about the bad things. The ones I wish I could change. Even though nothing can be done now. What if something could have been done then? I didn't try. No. I did try. I gave suggestions. I said all I could say. It was all you. You made all the decisions. You led me in all different directions. I never knew how you felt. I was always confused. I always had my mind in the clouds. And this time they were more storm clouds than puffy clouds. Twisters spun in my head giving me the craziest ideas. I gave you my heart. I trusted you. I cried over you. I laughed because of you. I never gave up on you even though it was the worst of times between us. I always tried to fix the problem. Even when I didn't know what to do and you didn't know what to do, I would say something. You wouldn't. You said we could try whatever I came up with. And guess what? You didn't give it a chance. The chance I always gave you. You may be happier this way, but I will never be the same. And until you tell me your reasoning I will be lost. And I will have those twisters in my head. The head that's in the clouds. But they are nowhere near the white puffy clouds in the blue sky. The peacefulness of those clouds was blown away and in their place I got the mess of gray clouds spinning. Gray clouds in a gray sky. And there is some rain every once in awhile. And that rain is the best part of the whole storm. You want to know why? It's the best part because rain makes you happy. You told me you liked the rain. And since you liked it, I wanted it to be the brightest part of the storm. The thing that brings me back to you. That one thing that I can think of and always think of you. The rain. It makes me want to cry. All rain makes me want to cry. Just sit down in a corner and put my head in my hands and cry. Then maybe you will come around and see what you did. The way you made me cry. The way you made me when I am alone. I will never be the same because of you.

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