Why do we fight?

February 6, 2008
Why do we fight?
I know we don’t want to fight
With everything happening its all crazy
Can you see me when I cry or do you ignore me?
It wouldn’t be something new if you did too
I realize I have no one I can talk to in this “home”
I want people to listen they just wont
They are all hate and no love

Tearing up in the face
Fingers going numb
Body twitching with fear
You’re coming to get me
I can feel it all around me
You make me sick thinking of you
Why must you hate me so much?
I don’t want to be your punching bag anymore
Please let me free!

Throwing glass my way
Cuts my like butter and a knife
Splitting my head open
Blood rushes down my face
I just stand there with no reaction
It just makes you madder
You hit me again and again
Until…I no longer am breathing
Slowly you stand up and stare at me
You asked me one final question
Are you a better person now?
I wanted to get up and stab you
I couldn’t though
I was dead
And to answer your question
Yes, I am because I won the fight
I am in a better place than you are
And you can’t hurt me anymore

Running, running, running
Crying, crying, crying
Screaming, screaming, screaming
Bleeding, bleeding, bleeding
Hurting, hurting, hurting
Anything else you want me to do?

Bloody hands
Bloody feet
Bloody heart
Blood is everywhere
What have you done? she yells
I killed him! I said
Why? She yelled back once more
I was sick of him touching me
I hated him I didn’t like myself
He made me feel sick all the time
Always rubbing me and calling me names
I wanted him to pay

Dressing in black everyday
Wearing skulls all over
Walking with your head down all the time
Not caring about anyone or anything
Wishing you were dead rather then here
Wanting someone to just love you
Dieing to get out of the place you call home
Wiping the tears from your face when they yell
Wondering whether they will ever let you leave
You shake knowing the truth
Wanting to leave
Wanting to live
Cry yourself to sleep every night
We will get out of this
With all of our courage left in us
I promise you happiness and love

The way you smile makes me melt
I love seeing you
Your every thing I ever wanted
Watching you walk around with him on your arm
Makes me cry at night to myself
Was I not good enough for you that you need him too?
Thanks, now I really feel that I am not worthy for anyone
Even a girl won’t take me

Slitting my wrist is a feeling that I have done wrong yet
I’m proud when I do it
Sometimes I just want to wave my hand in your face when you yell at me
You have made me the kid I am
Because you wouldn’t listen and take the hints
I hide in shame of my body and of me in general
Its not like I do this just for fun
That would be just sick and wrong
I do it because when I do it feels like I am releasing all the stress
The pain, the anger, the hurt, and the sad all leaving my body in one cut
And yeah sometimes I do more than one
It all depends on how much someone hurt me that day
It the world had no pain would we all be ok?
What is ok?

My eyes are so empty
It scares me how I have gone from good kid
To an emo depressed teen in years
Not even, years I mean like a matter of one year
Maybe even months, I’m not sure
Life just went so spirally after mom died
They tell you it will get better
I’m living proof no, it doesn’t
It can and will get worse
Especially if your dad marries someone who’s hates you and you know it
Its funny how I know she hates me but she denies it all the time
Stupid people make me laugh

Lost in pit of lies
Bound in a house of hell
Reamed with powerful screams
Put down with insults
Making me feel even more like I’m a failure
Forget the love I don’t want it anymore
I would be happy if you just killed me
At least then I would be free

I want to be able to be me
Not someone they want me to be
Not my older brother or my little sister
I want to be Katie
I want to be whom I choose to be
No string attached no barriers and no lies
No more being this thing you call perfect
I want, is something I use a lot but I barely say it aloud
I usually only write it down or type it out

Signs gone unnoticed
Notes gone unread
Cries gone unheard
I’m dieing and you don’t even see it
I tell you all the time I need help or I need to talk
But your busy or when I do talk to you, you get mad at me
If I wanted to be yelled at I would go into my room and listen to rap
If I wanted to be yelled at I would break things like you broke my soul
I don’t want to be yelled at I want to be talked to like you care about me

You hate me and I know it
You make me cry 90% of the time
You’re the main cause of my anger
You’re my battle in this house
You say I’m to blame
Well I blame you!
I cut; you took that away
I cry; you wont let me anymore
I scream; you do so back
I hit; you wanted to do it back
What now?
I write but if you read it you would
Send me away to a mental home
You even said you would
You said I write so gruesome
I don’t show you my work anymore
Since you put me down at something everyone else
Said I was so good at
Yeah so it’s a bit morbid oh well have you seen
Edgar Allen Poe? His stuff was awesome and so morbid
You have to be depressed to get it
I wont let you take this from me
I will forever write

I entered contests
You said good for you; did you mean it?
I went out of my way to try to get published
You said good job; did you mean it?
I told you I wrote 11 pages worth of poems today
You said swell; did you even care?
I don’t care if you care anymore
I’m proud of myself
Whether you are or not I am

Sighing on the outside
Screaming on the inside
Cutting my insides and my out
Punching my outer shell and breaking it
Making me weaker and weaker
Torturing my soul with hot pokers
I hate you I yell
Yeah well good you say back
Bringing bigger and bigger gashes to my heart
Unbearable pain from you
Just kill me I plead
Oh wait you cant I’m already dead, at least on the inside I am

You ask me what’s up
I reply with a nothing and walk off
You ask me again but now you add what’s wrong
I say nothing and walk away from you and go back to what I
Was doing before you came over to me
I’m not trying to make you worry or mad at me
I seriously don’t have anything wrong
Sometimes I have nothing on my mind
Sometimes I have nothing to say
I’m not always emotional and sad
I do go numb some days and sometimes for weeks

I cover my arms with sleeves and arm warmers
I cover my legs with jeans
I don’t want you to see my scars
Even though my bigger scars are on my heart
These aren’t for show
If you do see them please don’t stare
You can ask me anything
If you feel you need to bother me with your question
The do so before I run off crying
I don’t like it when people stare at me
They don’t need a reason but when
It’s so obvious I just want to slap them

Can you hear me cry when you yell?
Can you hear my blood hit the floor when you leave?
Your not supposed to leave me alone
You do anyway though
Did you know I cry harder when you don’t notice?
I’m crying right next to you, how could you not
The tears burn my face when I cry
I think my body has run out of tears
It’s running on body fuel now

I push my finger further down my throat
Wanting to vomit all of this fat away
I hate being fat its’ not fun
You always say you shouldn’t eat that much
You watch me eat and you see me binge
Why don’t you watch me purge?
It’s the same as when I eat except I’m giving it back
I want to be skinny and beautiful
I have heard what it does to your body
I don’t care so ill die sooner
I already kind of knew that was going to happen

I’m such an idiot
I can’t believe I have gone this far
I know your mad at me but please forgive me
You don’t have to give me another chance
You don’t have to be my friend anymore
Just please forgive me and recognize that I need help
I’m sorry for everything
Believe me or not I don’t care
I know what’s true and what’s not so
I love you very much
Please forgive

Thinking of all the things we did
I think of the laughs
And I think of all the crying
Was all that worth it?
I’m not sure but I know one thing
I know I have made a great friend and I will never forget him

I look in the mirror and take a deep breathe
I know what I want to do but I know I’m not allowed
I want to do what I always do when I’m upset
I made a promise and I’m trying really hard to keep to it
I need some strength but I feel I have used it all keeping you happy
Making you happy was my goal
I didn’t care about what happened to me
You were my life
I didn’t have a life
Now I feel sort of lost and scarred
I know I will be ok though

I want to cry
But I cant
I want to cut
But I cant
I want to be with you
But I cant

Hearing you say things like
I want to die
Makes me sad
When you say things like if I cut will you be mad
I wonder if you are just dating me to make yourself feel better
Or if you really do care
Do you just want someone to love you?
If you want that you have an entire family who does
You need some help
please get some

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