Whimsies and Jimsies

January 21, 2008
By Raily Orgeron, Crosby, TX

I put you on a pedestal.
I know why, and it's stupid.
I realized something right now,
and that is
you aren't good at all for me
and there is no purpose for this.
You're just a person.
What the hell was I thinking?
You didn't let me down.
No no.

I just got carried away again.
I'm in a box,
in a square
in a diabolical cave.
I think I'll be staying here for good now.
I don't know anything about goodness.
I don't know anything about truth.
I don't want you.
I say I want to help
I say I want to do this
and protect that
and find the answers for everything
but who am I kidding?
I keep thinking you can help me.
You can't help me.
God can help me.
I can help me.
You're just a person.
I'm just a person.
This is nothing but a day,
and my feet are cold
because the floor is frozen.
I'm frozen and I'm choking on all of this.
It's not fair for anyone
that I expect so much from you.
I cheat myself,
I lie to myself
I twist what could be a normal friendship
because I want to find some purpose
because I don't want to be alone.

Being alone is most likely the best thing for me
at any time.
I'm not a people person,
at the end of the day.
I'm a watcher,
I think that because I watch and watch
that I can take what I learned
apply it to the relationships I have with people
and make it work out but I can't.
I'm still this girl, awkward and wrong.
I can't grow up.
I'm waiting, waiting
For what will come.
This isn't fair to you,
Because you didn't ask for this,
And being you, you would feel guilty just walking away.
You can walk away if you want.
You can.
Not because everyone else does,
Which they do,
But because it's probably better for everyone,
It's more productive
And less painful
For everyone.
They say, do what's better for the masses.
I will,
I will
Walk away from this place
Never look back.
Throw all these words inside the sun
So they can simmer and boil
And be safer than tripping from my mouth.

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