June 13, 2008
Someone once told me that
Being bold and vulnerable teaches you that
If you don’t get what you deserve,
Then you deserve better!
And I know that is true.
And I know I could do better.
But what pushes people away?
I know, I know, I am only seventeen.
And shouldn’t burden myself with thoughts so cumbersome and
But I can’t stop wondering,
Can’t shield my feelings from being penetrated when
I let a boy, a self-absorbed boy, break my train of focus,
All because I like how it feels when he holds me close and grabs my hand.
But he has no right!
He knows he can come back to me whenever he wants because
I told him that I liked him a lot
And passed him the ball
So it is now in his court.
And I have so many things going for me that it…
…It shouldn’t even matter, this stupid predicament.
I keep telling myself to pay attention to the things in life that DO matter,
And if he matters, it should only be because he made an effort to matter.
But he hasn’t.
He just sits idly in my thoughts, while reality passes me by.
So what do I do?
Turn the switch off in my heart, of course.
You know, the one that lets people in.
The one that allows me to be ‘vulnerable’ and ‘bold.’
But being ‘bold’ gets old and I would rather
Block out those thoughts and never again be fooled by a guy’s
Pseudo attention.
Never again let him creep into my thoughts.
Even late at night, when I want to be running my fingers
Through his hair.
So I keep on running.
Running through my life.
I won’t stop for anyone.
If you can keep up,
I guess there is room for you to run next to me.
If not,
I am still running,
Running and never looking back.

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