The Last Door

January 9, 2008
By Susanna Vogel, Basking Ridge, NJ

What I always wanted to tell you was…
I can’t say it.
I’m teetering on the brink of doing something so right,
Or catastrophically wrong.
These words could send me to the highest point of heaven
Or crashing, burning,
Down the dark path of this hell.

Or maybe I’m already there,
I can’t be sure, this nervous clawing at my stomach,
This wonder, this suppression.
I’m walking to your door.

I don’t know why.
What will come out of my mouth I don’t really know,
I don’t think I even really care.
It’s like the children’s game, running as fast I can
with an egg balanced on a spoon in each hand,
trying to hold it all together.

Losing control.

I knock on your door.
Doors… why do they always represent fate?
How come objects represent things anyway?
No, no now is not the time or place.
But it’s funny how now, even now in my dismay
I see the door as fate.
You never got that, but hey you never got much.
So why am I here, why am I knocking?
(Knocking on heaven’s door?)
You’re halfway intolerable, halfway unreal,
This is half of your irresistible appeal
Oh no, I’m getting closer to saying why I came.
Maybe if I wait just one moment longer
I can leave and be done with this all.
Say you weren’t home, convince myself you didn’t matter, this didn’t matter,
What I wanted to say never mattered at all.

You’re opening your door.

I guess I know why I came after all.
Your eyes,
half asleep and distant
Weary, yet they empower me
I remember when I screamed that
You were good for nothing,
How they told me you were just nothing good.
Oh but how could I forget,
You’re the one who saw me
Who christened me smiling eyes
You’re the one, like me, who wasn’t worth anything to anyone,
who knew just how to explain what you meant,
and how to explain me too,
how to just be.
In all the photographs I have and all the memories tucked away
I couldn’t replicate those eyes.
And now it’s coming back so hard it hurts
As I remember you whispering sweet nothing, I have sweet nothing left to say.
I can’t stand for you to even say my name.
Now that’s its happening
I want to be anywhere but here.
I want to escape.
Just like all those months ago, you’re the lion and I’m your prey.
I look behind me, the distance I’ve traveled for this; I wish I could wish away.
All I want to do is run.
You’re the lion, and I’m your prey.
“You’re here.”
“I’m here.”
Oh eloquent as always,
I see the smile on your face.
I flush and turn away.
After all this time I’m still unable to be free.
“So you are,” The question unasked hangs in the air.
I wonder whether or not I’m brave enough to respond.
“I heard.”
That’s all and you know.
Of course you would know, you’ve always known.
I don’t know how to reach you.
You’re so beautiful in your pain, and I’m so helpless in your despair.
I know nothing I will say can take you there.
And anything I could say would be too wrong, too much, not enough?
And this precious irony as I look in your eyes,
I know you’re tortured by the images in your mind.

“What do you think you could do?”

I don’t have the answer.
I can’t think of what possibly could make me coming here okay.
But here I am
Filled with words yet nothing to say
I’m halfway calm, halfway high
You’re halfway dead, but three quarters alive
“I wrote about you.
I couldn’t say it, but I wrote it all down.”

I take from my pocket my fate.
The thing I could never say.
The thing you never would ask me to say.
The thing I have to say.
But How do I tell you?
How do I even begin?
To tell you everything you’ve been?
I can only try:
“You took this mess
So incomplete
And made it
Almost like its whole
The first to make me believe
That these sunsets
Weren’t tragedies”

I sense you and you touch my pinky.
The sun is fading in the sky;
This always has been our time.
When we can feel the gold on our finger tips and in our hair,
See it reflected in each other’s eyes.

“You told me that it was the first time you were glad to see me fail.”

You nod.
I swallow.
“I was so glad you didn’t die.”
I had to say that, let you truly know.
You look at me and I see the truth,
“I never believed in forever until I met you.”
“Why are you here?”
I know you know, you have to know.
I look you in the eye,
You never made me before, you knew and I knew and that was enough.
It isn’t now.
Maybe that is why I came.
“I love you.”
We stand in a silence that holds no room for lies.
The door slams.
I look up and see you
Finally you
The liquid swims in your eyes
I see our fate, which ever since that day
Has been forever intertwined.
You don’t know what to say,
I have a feeling you finally know what it’s like to be the prey.
I was wrong to think I could have stayed away

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