SUBJECT: What do you think?

June 7, 2008
I hate you.
I hate that I miss you more than anything I can describe.
I hate that you have so much power over me.
I know that I love God more than you, but I still want to be with you and talk to you.
You're the worst person in the world.
Who could do this to someone? Honestly.
Do you know what I've been reduced to?
I tried for, like, ten minutes to guess you Myspace password so I could have at least some sort of window into you life -
so I could pretend I was still apart of it.
I'm a freak
A psycho
A stalker
But you're still a jerk.
Why -
Seriously -
Why do I have to be punished because you aren't spiritually mature enough to handle me?
You're the worst thing that's ever happened to me, probably.
And yet
And yet
I still can't stand to be without you
In any way.
I miss talking to you about annoying customers and fighting with you and laughing with you.
Why are we REALLY on this break?
I mean, I know we're still gonna be together -
not because you promised
(because I know what these kind of promises are worth)
but because God gave me another sign -
but it just doesn't feel like you'll try that much harder to get closer to God without me to "distract" you.
Even though I want you to be so much closer to God than you are to me.
And I really, really want you to be closer to me.
I really do hate you.
I have to. It's your fault, too.
If all this passion I have for you remained in the "love" section, I wouldn't survive.
You would have killed me with this unnecessary absense
and THEN
how would you feel when you finally decide to tell me you're spiritually READY to talk to me again?
You know you'll never be READY, right? There is no READY. That's how God works.
He threw all these great men from the Old Testement into battle without any preparation, and they won because they were both WITH and fighting FOR God.
You're stupid if you don't get that.
You're stupid anyway, really.
Do you have any idea how many times I have to defend this stupid situation?
I KNOW it's stupid that we're on this break and YET
(there it is again)
I still defend you, because I'm supposed to.
Or maybe it's because I just don't want to think about any other reasons why we're on this break.
It's probably the latter.
That means "the second one".
I honestly don't know why I love you.
I was thinking about love the other day and I realized:
there's no reason to love anyone.
You LIKE people for certain reasons, but you just ...
happen to love people and you don't know why and you can't escape the uncertaintly of ...
If I had half a brain -
Or if I hated you as much as I said I did -
I'd send you this email.
As it is: I don't.
If this message actually gets sent to you, I can assure you it was an accident and I'm sorry.
Really really sorry.
Happy Anniversary
If it counts.
I love you
- Angela

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