insanity. this child

December 20, 2010
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It is true i want it. And quite possible i need it.Insanity! What is
wrong with me? On that night i saw your face. i couldnt keep it out.
it started to change! the skin melting slowly! shaping a new form. the
hair bleaching blond. the eyes brightening! filling me with joy!
Insanity! why wont it go?! how does it stop? the most beautiful face!
OH the agony! the eyes! oh the eyes! not a green. not a blue. a
combination of the two! Insanity! a promise broken. did i ever believe
that for a second? the life-NO! OUR LIFE! we lived. the peace amongst
the pain. and oh how her face haunts me. how could i ever believe for
a second that i didnt want this? and those eyes! how they haunt me.
and her smile. how imperfectly perfect it is! is it possible for looks
to kill? if so i should be dead! Insanity! those perfect teeth. like
burning white suns! how they tear at my eyes! the stabbing light!
blinding me! and oh the hair! like liquid gold! shining like the
moon.calling to me. how in my life could i ever believe for a second
that i didnt want this perfect child of mine. of ours. Insanity! her
eyes! oh those eyes! if ever eyes could steal a soul! how i would be
an empty shell! how lifeless i would be. but alas! they steal not my
soul! but add to it! and how they fill me with life! and how i succumb
to the joy. the mere sight of her eyes! OH! the AGONY! how they haunt
my every living moment! and how i laugh mercilessly at the idea. how i
enjoy it so. how i long for it! how it is not meant to be. this image
in my head. how it kills my soul. how it alters my mind! will i ever
be the same? what will happen to me now? to us? will i ever be the
same? and the lives we lead? will we do it for her? this image. how
she alters my life. how i feel myself changing. will you stay? will
you go? are we even meant to be? connected by this nonliving being. a
wispy thought. a possible future! how it slips through my hands and i
dont even grasp it! how can i ever live knowing this is what the
future brings? how i long for it! how will i ever wait? how will i
ever know? and when we meet how will i tell you? and how will you
react? will you tell me im insane? Insanity! how i cant take the
pressure! how it pushes my mind to the limit! how it makes me want to
die! and oh how your face haunts my dreams! how i love it! and oh how
i love you. but as you will it so it shall be. and i will wait.
waiting. waiting.waiting ever so patiently. waiting. waiting in the
silence. consumed by the quiet. it drives me insane! oh the insanity!
how will i ever survive? her face. yours. hers! YOURS! fuffocating
begging to release! pressure building in my mind! escaping through my
eyes. look at me! its killing me! but alas! i am here. somehow
surviving. and here you are. so here we are. you and me. our future
waiting. so i am waiting. what is your choice?... speak to me...

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