Around 2005, I forget to check whether or not my father’s 30’06 rifle was loaded. I pull the trigger and the round flies through a window in a neighbor’s house. The neighbor was 2 doors down.

Around 1998, I sit in a black leather chair listening to the Three Tenors. Life is good.

Around 2008, I sit at my computer playing World of Warcraft for 8 straight hours. I burn out my iris and need Lasik surgery.

Around 2003, I drop a ceramic dinner plate on the kitchen floor while looking for a hidden box of chocolates. My parents hear it from their room and think it’s a burglar. I’m in timeout for about 72 hours.

Around 2004, I walk my dog around the block when a random hick in a red truck pulls up to me and throws a bottle of Jack Daniels at me. I run home and call the police, but they think I’m a prank caller and hang up.

Around 1999, I throw up in the terminal in a French Airport.

Around 2005, I walk to school with my grandmother who is coming with me to help my mom, who is the school nurse. About halfway to the school, we arrive at an open street. Usually there’s a crossing guard over there, and, but today there isn’t and she decides to walk over and investigate. About halfway there she’s run over by some fool in a silver Mercedes station wagon.

Around 2006, my southern uncle decides to open a beer. In a church. During a eulogy.

Around 2006, Jonathan Shibano steals my high-power magnets and I threaten to kill him unless I get them back. He tells on me and I get my first ISS. I have yet to get them back.

Around 2009, I trip over my obese golden retriever Sasha, who always insists on sitting at the very top step of the stairs.

Around 2008, I realize that the toy box I loved as a child was a KKK Robe Box. Thank you Mom and Dad.

Around 2009, within minutes of our departure from Phoenix, with my sister and three of her friends in the back seat, I drop my I-pod in a cooler full of ice water.