The Most Painful Thing

December 3, 2007
Hurt. Not me, but hurting someone else. The confusion why things were changing accompanied with final thoughts and clung-to moments. The hardest part was discovering I was creating these feelings, afflicting this pain onto someone else.

The most painful thing was seeing those tears, and those tears beyond the eyes. The emotional pressure outside of oxygen, knowing I caused this.

I was hard for me to see my actions as if in third person. I saw everything I manipulated, twisted, and betrayed to find some emotion. I know I maintained control, but felt driven to see drastic results, change.

I pushed and applied too much weight problems until I got a reaction. But I did not get the reaction I was looking to retrieve. I felt blinded, nothing, stopped. I felt it. Finally. The same thing I was putting out, I was getting it back. This was the most painful thing I have learned and felt. The fact that I was consciously controlling this made allowed my emotion to rise, but had never felt so far down. So much emotional weight, my body felt the heavy, cramping weight, which I did not want to experience.

The breaking point, the U-turn. The double edged sword. The jump.
After tears surfaced from my dried eyes, the deep pressure of pain began to deflate. I saw that it was all on me. Push, pull; you must have both. I was the pull trying to find that push. My ship was missing my anchor. I realized the world is only how I react to it, how I live in it. From there I realized expectations should start at the minimum, but living with the world and it’s people should be the maximum. So I needed to reach it. This experience started me seeing the direction of the top, the maximum.

As any memorable or great event in anyone’s life, a lesson is taken with it. The pain, physical and mental is a stone I will always carry now knowing the possibilities that come from me reacting with the world as well as knowing the heavy pain of expectations, guilt, drive, stagnance, and sinking. I will never forget my first punch of realization when everything drifting snapped into clarity.

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