Me against the scale

October 3, 2010
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I step on the scale
And I start to live by a number
My image starts to change as I believe that this number is written on me for the world to see
I know I’m not fat
But I don’t think I’m skinny
I start to notice what I’m supposed to look like by watching the models on TV,
I notice the billboards about losing weight and I start to lose myself
I start to believe the opinions of everyone else,
I’m in this fantasy of having the perfect body even though it doesn’t exist
but the thought of having that tiny figure is so hard to resist
I start to skip meals and exercise after each bite
It’s like my stomach and mind are in a fight
I feel guilty after each meal and proud when I skip it;
My stomach growls and I’m feeling more tired
I feel cranky and depressed
Even more stressed when the number hasn’t changed
My mom starts to notice my pants are getting looser
But I don’t see it all,
All I see are the calories I’m eating and how much I need to burn off.
I start to wonder if this battle will ever end
food is starting to be my worst friend.
But one day I realize that not all those models really have those bodies
It’s just an image that nobody will ever look like
I realize that I’m okay with myself that I can never be anyone else
Food and weight are a part of life
Even though words can cut you like a knife
Everyone around me has the same issue
And sees themselves in different ways
It may take days, weeks, months or years
To overcome all these number fears
But I can’t let it run my life
We all will get cellulite and gain a couple pounds in the future
And we all watch those weight loss commercials
And we believe that it will work and get us out of this disfigured image
But it never has and never will.
It’s not until the day we realize that the mirror can lie
and that it will never show you what’s really inside
So as I step off the scale and pass the mirror that leads me into the kitchen
I forget that number since I realize that a number is just a number and that it will never tell me who I am.

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