Solving for X

July 14, 2010
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After the zombie attack, my life sort of changed. By killing off half the town, I was left homeless. Carefully hopping over dead bodies, I walked down the street to my home. Doing this, I realized my bike has been used as a weapon by one of the zombies even though I think zombies like to eat their food messy and with a lot of blood and guts, when the last thing on their mind is ‘Hey I think I smell a little vile, maybe I should take a shower or use a fork next time, or maybe I should start carrying around germ-x so the people I eat will be a little more pleased then if I did it with 99.99% of the germs still on my grubby green peeling hands’. Even though that would totally ruin the whole label of ‘ZOMBIE’. Frankly, I think it’s kind of ironic. Gorey movies; that’s what we were watching the night before the attack. How this tied in to the following events, I’ll never know. It makes me laugh, strangely. Just as we were about to return the movie back to the Blockbuster down the road, I decided I wanted to visit my friend a couple streets over, who just happened to have a cellar we could hide in until the zombies were all dead. Killing zombies was surprisingly easy; once we got out of the cellar to try and help because the town was obviously losing. Liking it was surprising easy too, because of course swinging an axe and popping off the heads of the undead would be a great sport, right? Many times I smiled while the whole ordeal was going on, even as my family was a couple streets over and probably being eaten alive by the freaky deformed greenish people with foam coming from their mouths. Never again will I play another zombie apocalypse video game and not burst out laughing because, yeah, look, I did that in real life and I bet you’re all jealous! Only now, as I walk around my house and see brains and blood and body parts spewed everywhere, will I ever look at those video games the same way. Personally, I think everyone was asking for it. Quick and clean deaths are overrated; that’s why I used an axe and made it as messy and crazy as possible, because what’s the fun of it if you can’t just chop them up into little pieces and actually enjoy it. Reaching for the doorknob to the bathroom, I noticed how awful the house smelled and decided once they get new (and alive) workers at the Wal-mart in town I’m definitely going to buy some Febreze. Stealing a glance at the toilet over flowing with water because of the enormous head missing its body clogging it, I grabbed some tissues and wiped off my bloody, zombie guts covered hands. Truthfully, this whole battle shaped me in a way you wouldn’t have even understood. Unusual yes, but it let me experience the ‘un-experience able’ (if that’s even a word.) Various times I thought I was going to die, but then I looked at my axe and thought, ‘Die Zombies Die,’ and everything went surprisingly well. Weirdly I thought my family would have enough common sense to know to ‘chop off the head first’ in a zombie attack, but unfortunately they lacked that knowledge, and I mean who lacks the knowledge of how to destroy a zombie? Xerox machines have never been so useful as I copied my many fliers of “Professional Zombie Slayer – Call when needed (calling when there is not a zombie attack requires crucial punishment, because hey, this is serious business)”. Yams; they’re my secret weapon, because they are a zombies second favorite food, next to human flesh of course (and let me tell you, it is very difficult to find yams in a grocery store that has been completely raided by zombie cashiers and zombie bag boys). Zodiac signs cannot tell your future, but zombie attacks on a Tuesday morning, yeah, they definitely can.

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