Very nice. The only problem is the last line: I might be reading it wrong, but it feels as if the beat is off.
Right now you have it like this: 10 syllables, 11 syllables, 10 syllables, 8 syllables.
If you added another two syllables to the last line it would sound much better. For instance (and this is just one option):
Who plays the organ at the church at night?
The melancholy tones drifting through the air,more »)
I don't usually reply to comments, but you are absolutely right.
"Who plays the organ at the church at night?
The melancholy tones drifting through the air,
And why does the organist shine so bright?
It's almost as if, he's not really there."
This is how I wrote it originally, a notebook at home. When I submitted it to teenink, I submitted it from memory-and that is where I made the mistake.
Thank you for pointing this out...I wish Teenink had... (more »)
Ah, yes, that does sound much better. Also, I'm glad you replied--many of my criticisms don't receive any recognition...it got so I started to feel that people only wanted me to say, "Great job! Loved it! You couldn't have done better!"
Sorry for the mini-rant...I just needed to get if off my chest.
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