Noise In My Head

I feel motivated to move.

I feel as if I can improve.

I’ll be the person they want to see.

I’ll be the person that is not me.

But when this is all done and past,

Returning to my true self fast.

I tricked you out, and played your game,

But I have now found my heart’s been slain.

I look around, behind, outside,

Inside my head for a place to hide,

Because here alone whom do I lie beside?

No one.

I feel this emotion is what my reality will become.

I fear I cannot overcome,

This unexplainable emotional decay.

I cannot find the strength to stay.

So here I lay,

Until the day,

That I can say,

Hello.

To their face,

Once again, but instead I’ll fall below.

A feeling is missing from me,

which I must replace.
In my heart, I run and chase,

For the chance to fill this space.

I’ll find the cure and close this case.

To feel happy once again.

But down that road, before I have been.

Once more with feeling.

Some days a stable mood is what my mind is kind enough to bring.

I feel motivated to try.

I feel as if I can feel naturally high.

Have I replaced this space?

But how?

I know before this space, I did displace.

For my gratitude I now do bow.

I feel like infinite.

I don’t know how my bomb got lit.

To take out the enemy that makes me hurt.

Euphoria is the ship and I am the port.

Somehow I feel bad.

That somehow I am not sad.

Today at least.

That empty feeling is at a temporarily seast.

And I can find,

Some peace within my mind,

And I can feel the strength I need to do the things I need to do,

Unlike the days I’m feeling blue.

Falling once, I now feel steady,

Willing, wanting, able, ready.

I love the days when I wake up on top.

This indestructible feeling I don’t want to stop.

For a while I feel hope.

For I while I’m not forced to cope.

A week?

A day?

Is this my peak?

How long until my next decay?

I want to say,

That I obey,

I’ll find a way,

It will replay.

I dislike days when I wake up weak.

Away again alone inside I’m thrown to seek.

Shelter.

How much will reoccur?

From bad to good to in-between,

I see now how nothing is as it may seem.

To balance this uneven powerful equation,

Requires some new additions with a simple introduction.

Hello I’m, you know, you are, I am.

Let’s try, let’s be, let’s go, lets slam,

The door behind me as I try.

I stand alone and look up to the wide open sky.

I feel ok.

So here I lay,

Upon the lawn, within the grass,

I let the time peacefully pass.

I wish that I was a star.

Away from my problems I would be far.

I’m up, I’m down, I’m evened-out.

I’m in, I’m out, I’m all about.

Sometimes I feel good for a day.

Will it soon end in short decay?

Sometimes I feel bad for a week.

Sometimes my eyes will shine others they will leak.

I hear the noise within my head.

I can’t find the strength to get out of bed.

I call,

You answer,

I become a total doll.

I was, I am, I will. I where.

I swear to god that I am sure.

That I is, I was, I am her.

I like the good.

I hate the bad.

I know that this is what I should.

I should feel lost and sad and mad.

Cuz now my chance has been had.

They all say “hey now, you should be glad,”

It could be worse.

As usual of cores.

Leave, get out, let me alone.

There is a light left to be shone.

I hold it lit up and take it in.

I feel it, taste it, let it win.

My good days come, but don’t last.

My bad days come, but they soon turn to past.

In the middle I stand alone.

I even need strength within my bone.

I feel it, take it, let it work.

I know it takes it’s time to lurk.

I know that I can see the light,

If I do not keep out of sight.

I realize I am soon to be,

Somewhere I cannot yet see.

Will I ever find the cure?

Will I once again feel secure?

Have I?

Maybe, maybe not.

Was it truth or a cover lie?

Truth is something I have sought.

For it I have surly fought.

Here in the middle I remain caught.

I want, to try and think I’m right.

I wish and hope with all my might.

I wrong they say but they don’t
know.

They have never been below.

I’ve seen it, felt it, let it in.

I know that there I cannot win.

It works, I know, I know it does.

I’m wrong and right all just because.

I’m lost, then found but always gone.

I still lay alone on the lawn.

Do it.

Then sit.

Let your mind slow down a little bit.

Let go and feel the weightless feeling you’ll get hit.

Take a deep breath, and release.

Exhale stressors, worries, and pain to create inner peace.

Smile!

Mean it.

No longer is there that denial.

Enjoy this for a little bit.

You don’t think you deserve it?

“After all you’ve dealt with,” you had to, you knew.

I hear her say that in my head.

Over and over those words are said.

“Take it one day at a time” she reminds me.

I hear the words but it’s the truth I see.

Relax and focus on today.

Right now is where I want to stay.

“When a good day comes enjoy it as much as you can,” echoes.

Take it day by day, both the highs and lows.

Take a moment and watch some T.V.

What’s here, I see a magic mango tree.

There’s one that will keep you up and one that will make you sleep.

Which one shall I choose to keep?

The taxi’s here are giant blue birds.

These birds can talk and use our words.

The people up dance to no music.

The people down sleep like they
are sick.

It’s a 5 year olds dream.

It shouldn’t be what it may seem.

I can’t think.

I feel like I’m a ship that’s about to sink.

I have to move,

Just to prove,

I did remove.

I must improve.

Not hungry.

Ever.

To be free,

I feel I will never.

We wanted this forever.

They say that we must sever.

Us.

But I cannot make a fuss.

I don’t want to go.

I don’t want to go.

Just let me flow.

I don’t want to show.

I want to stay here and keep occupied.

This here as was exemplified.

Some days are broken,

Others are tougher.

Some days I feel completely unspoken,

Others I feel light as a feather.

Some days I enjoy the weather.

Today altogether.

I went and did then saw, I’m bored.

Once again I feel floored.

To be restored,

I wait aboard,

While ignored,

I’m moving toward,

Something, anything, a break from today.

For who I must portray?

Will I never see the light?

The ending soon I will ignite.

I feel as though I cannot do without.

For it is this within I am devout.

A shell of who I use to be.

This upon I do agree.

I miss him.

I miss the joy.

I get my way with just a whim.

This empty feeling I must destroy.

My weapons here I shall deploy.

I use to search the both high and low,

To find the affection that made me glow.

Then I had it in my life.

Now I am in constant strife.

I have it but not in person.

I fear this loss will only worsen.

I will not look, but I cannot find.

A release from this frustrating
bind.

They say I’m sick.

Am I sick?

Am I allusive?

Or just manipulative?

My life use to be exceptional.

Now I am called a criminal.

Let me go back,

To a time I did not lack,

To a time I did not need.

A time I did not plead.

When I did not have to wonder in such degree,

Why can I not just be me?

What did I do that was so wrong?

Where do you say I belong?

You label me as if now defective.

I see it now from your perspective.

Power trip!

The badges don’t mean you crack
the whip.

I’m bored now, say something new.

That two dollar badge don’t mean ----

I’m sorry but I must admit.

Like you to me this is a game.

It matters not who gets the blame.

As long as it’s not number one,

Why would it matter when they come undone?

The game right now has just begun,

But soon enough there will be fun.

You do believe that you have won.

Soon you will see you’ve been outdone.

Back alone I sit and think.

Once again left on the brink.

It makes me want to do more.

A sensation I can not ignore.

One I’m sure I’ve had before.

I feel now I want to explore.

I know I will even the score.

In due time you will implore.

For now I sit and here the call.

I make my way down the hall,

Cuz at the end is where it is.

I look but will I see his?

I can’t, I won’t, I want to.

I need, I must, I miss you.

Ignore.

Replay.

Can’t stay.

Delete.

Feel stray.

Can’t eat.

Replay?

Empty.

There is no way.

There is no place to flee.

There I no one here but me.

It’s not right, nor is it fair.

That doesn’t mean that they care.

Alone again I’m use to it.

I know the feeling I’m soon to get.

I must and will, I’ll find a way.

I’ll find it, catch it, make it stay.

Got it? Get it, let it in.

Give some time to let it begin.

I want to be stable without.

I want to but it lies in doubt.

I feel disconnected.

From this life that has been infected.

How is it to be expected?

That under you we are protected?

When we are never respected?

Just neglected,

Or selected,

To expect the unexpected.

You are all made of lies.

All in disguise.

The truth lies within your eyes.

Never will you rise.

This will never end.

So here and now let’s play pretend.

Who would you like to be?

The daddy or the mommy?

Oh sorry, are we just too old for that?

Hold on I think I hear a dirty little rat.

Come on follow me, let’s go play pretend cat.

So as a cat you love this friend, your master.

You’d do anything to protect them from disaster.

Love and loyalty must accompany self preservation.

But with conjoined relation,

Well complete the transformation.

Experience the unadulterated cat sensation.

On all fours we play and lounge.

Now we look for lunch to scrounge.

Oh no, oh wow where you just bitten?

You nod and cry just like a little kitten.

Don’t worry though it’s happened to us all.

It hurts but not for long, so stand tall.

You know your master hates that rat?

It hurt her, which made her try to squish it flat.

Now it hurt you?

It’s hurt me too!

Let’s catch that rat and seize
revenge,

Not only for our self but loved ones we must avenge.

He has it coming,

And deserves his fate.

He will surely feel the sting,

As we finally clear the slate,

To create,

An even state.

Now back to our natural worry-free
cat thing.

A final happy ending.

Game over.

Back to reality.

Make the criss-cross, swip, swop, crossover.

Back to abnormality,

And our contained duality.

Surrounded by warped morality.

There is no justice unless self made.

Which is deserved for those betrayed.

They then will plot their revenge they seek.

Then they will weed out the weak.

But not until this all blows over.

Wait and watch as an innocent observer.

I have some days I’m waiting for.

Some day I’m sure I’ll adore.

Maybe I will never change.

I may someday interchange.

Sometimes I feel like time goes fast,

Others I wish I would not last.

Reminded of words from my past.

“To where there is no light in this eternal hell,

Let them hear and ring out the forsaken’s bell,

Which leads to a place in an endless bind.

Just keep telling myself, this is all in my mind.”

Have I changed from then to now?

If I have I wonder how.

I have more help than I did then.

I would never go back again.

Moving forward.

Moving on.

Becoming restored.

Becoming gone.

Be seen more withdrawn.

Chase the dawn,

Catch the morning,

Yield for nothing.





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This article has 1 comment. Post your own now!

Glass_Doll326 said...
Jul. 11, 2010 at 7:59 pm
I wrote this and i love it because it explains what it's like to be in my head to some degree
 
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