If Only You Knew

March 11, 2010
I know what it means.
What it feels like.
How it happens.
I've waited to understand it all.
Why he did it.
Why it happened.

And now that finally I do; but only to a certain point.
Now that I know what it's like; for a sick freak to have to do that.
To have a part of your soul with someone else.
Forever.
One that you didn't want to share; one you wanted to keep to yourself.

I'm pretty sure I can't stand it.
To know that he took that away from me.
To have to feel his cold hands on my body.
To have his thick arms wrapped around me.

I can't stand the waiting; the frustration; the paranoia.
Of knowing he can come back at any time.
To do what he did again.
To hurt me.
To scare me.
To bring back all those bad memories.

The only solution is to give up.
To move on.
To get over it.
It might help if i knew how....

Because it's not something you can get over.
Not right away.
If only you knew what I feel.
To have HIM speak those words to you.
To have HIM touch your body like that.
To have HIM try to do to you, what he did to me.

But now he's gone.
For fifteen years at least.
By that time I will be thirty.
And I won't have to worry about him until then.

From here until then I will continue to move on.
To try at least.
Because it's not easy.





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