December 30, 2009
By , Libertyville, IL
I have a tendency to wonder if I live
the way I should. I’ve attempted to stop
but it seems incredibly difficult to just
suppress it. I’ve been trying
so hard lately to understand,
but I’ve also been realizing that I’m not going to.

If I could just tell you what I want to
say it might be easier; I’d feel so alive
if I did, but I can’t make myself understand
that I shouldn’t be afraid. It’s too easy to stop
myself from actually doing it, but trying
to make my own opportunity is just

Impossible. If I had forced myself to listen, just
once, to that little voice (and it would’ve been all too
easy to hear it), I wouldn’t need to be trying
to keep you in my life. I’ll live,
but the pull I feel isn’t going to stop
any time soon. Do you understand?

Honestly, my dear, do you WANT to understand?
All you need to do is give me a chance. Just
let me know, give me certainty, and we can both stop
worrying about each other. We won’t need to
avert aversion for the sake of appearances; Life
can go on. I need to let it? I’m trying.

And I’ve been trying.
I can’t understand.
But I’ll live.
Can we just
make it to
the next stop?


When I see you again, I’ll stop. I’ll remember. I’ll understand
why I’m still trying. But I’ll still wish you could just
allow me to forget. Then maybe I’ll learn to live.

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