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What I Want

I want to wake up in my bedroom,
In my old house on Franklin Avenue.
I want to be overwhelmed,
Just one more time…
By the smell of dad’s
Banana pancakes -
The “world famous” ones.
And with him sitting next to me,
We’d cringe together,
And feel the burn
Of hot chocolate on our tongues.

I want to sit through the nerve racking car-ride
To Pennsylvania…
With my grandmother playing a cassette
Of “The Butterfly Jar” -
A book of poems that both me,
And my brother,
And my mom,
Know by heart.
And together,
We'd recite them, and laugh.
And when we pull up to the colt-a-sack,
I’ll run straight past
The herd of newborn puppies
And without thinking twice,
I'd snatch the one
That stole my heart.
And that year
On my birthday
I'd take the deepest breath I can take.
I want that wish to come true,
So my puppy would never have to get older.

I want to sit down at the dinner table
On a late winter night
And hold his eyes as he says,
“Everything will be just fine.”
Just to see if he can hold a straight face.
And when the air becomes too heavy,
I'd put the moment on pause,
And sit on his lap,
Handcuffing him to his chair
While he isn’t looking…
And that would show my grandpa
Just how much he means to me;
And that would bring him home.

I want to watch Batman re-runs
In my great grandmothers apartment,
And lecture her one more time
About the dangers of smoking.
After I finish licking my fingers
Of the powdered sugar,
And she’s fallen asleep,
I’ll sneak into her kitchen
And steal her recipie book
So one Sunday far from now,
I can make her Easter bread,
Giving my mom such a vivid memory,
That she’ll never be sad,
Because she can’t remember.

I want to go back to that diner in Boston,
And really listen,
To my grandma
As she speaks about her son.
And as she talks,
I’ll imagine my mom,
And my aunt, and him,
Walking out of the front door
Of their childhood home
While my grandma snapped
That picture that she kept on the side of her bed.

I want to be able to say
That I braved the trip to the hospital,
And met the man that changed
So many lives in my family.
I want to hand him a green shirt,
A color that I know will make him smile,
And I can make a memory of my own,
So at his funeral,
I could cry with my mom,
And my grandma,
And aunt
And really feel their pain,
And not just the pain
Of knowing their upset.

I want to go back to September of 2005,
To my first day of high school -
To a time where the word
“anxiety”,
Was not in my vocabulary.
I want to wake up
In my best girl friend’s bed,
Where I fell asleep
Gossiping with all five of my best friends.
And once all five of us are up,
We’ll make French Vanilla,
And brave our first day together.

I want to wake up when its still dark out,
And tip-toe down my hallway.
I want to sneak into my brother’s room
And wait for him to open his eyes.
And we’d turn on the TV,
And sit on his bed eating Fruit Loops.
I’d watch him play Super Nintendo -
And he’d let me play,
Because he was proud to say,
That he taught me how to win.

I want my voice back-
Just for a day.
And with that,
I’d tell my friends
Just how much they’ve done for me,
And just how much it all meant -
Proving to them that I’m not
“that type of person…”
And I should have ever been
That easy to give up on.





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