The Storm at Sea

August 13, 2009
By Jacquelyn Salzbank SILVER, Port Washington, New York
Jacquelyn Salzbank SILVER, Port Washington, New York
9 articles 0 photos 4 comments

The day was damp and the hour was late on the rockiest edge of the island. The pier stood tall as it searched for the sun which was no where to be found. Feathery white sand covered the ground where the icy water’s finger could not manage to touch. The sky darkened and the heavy black rain clouds threatened to release their contents. A gust of wind whispered its secrets to the reeds which were perched regally on the sand dunes. The beach was dark, silent and mysterious.
With a flash of lightening and a rumble of thunder, the rain clouds’ anger flared. Seagulls flew frantically to shelter and called for their flocks to follow. This sudden commotion seemed like the final straw or a beast unleashed from its chambers. A second rumble from the angry sky tore the seams of the bloated clouds. Large drops of moisture violently hit the sand disturbing what the waves had not reached. The once whispering wind evolved into an aggressive whip, striking anything that challenged it. Rocks and shells made their way to the once soft sand and the smell of dead fish pierced the air. Boats on the horizon bobbed with fear as the water joined the brutal altercation. The abuse continued for what seemed like an eternity.
Nature’s catharsis was coming to an end. Silence returned and all that was heard was the distant sound of a siren coming to someone’s rescue. The sky began to brighten and the storm clouds mended their tattered bodies. Creatures of all varieties peeked from their refuges hoping the disturbance had come to an end. The clouds fled in shame as the sun arrived with its maternal glare. The heat it radiated seemed like a smoldering rebuke for the sky and its immature tantrum. The sopping wet sand appeared to accuse the sea like a child who had been bullied by a sibling. Sailors wiped their brows as the waves calmed down and the boats were tame once again. All that was left from the booming storm was the memory of a distant nightmare.

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This article has 3 comments.

GlitterFox said...
on Oct. 30 2009 at 11:23 am
Hi again! I just realized that this is a poem, not a story. You're aiming for the prose poem style, no? Admirable, but this reads so much more like a story than a poem. Just another something to consider.

GlitterFox said...
on Oct. 30 2009 at 11:20 am
Alrighty then, here we go:

You have some very good description here--it's difficult to write a nature scene and evoke emotion at the same time, which you've done with flying colors. However, there's a bit TOO much emotion. After a few sentences, the story starts to drag. Description is more potent when used sparingly. I realize that the storm is the plot here, but I believe you could strengthen this piece by adding a protagonist. A main character would make this cohesive and give it a better flow. If you take this suggestion (you don't need to) try to incorporate some internal monologue. What emotions/memories does the storm stir up in your character? Again, it's just a thought, but I really think this piece needs a driving force.

Here's some nit-picky grammar stuff: You say "the pier stood tall," which makes pretty much no sense because piers are horizontal. :) Also "dark, silent and mysterious" is another description-dump. List-making isn't exactly the best way to get a point across.

I like how you describe the storm as abuse. Very visceral.

"Creatures of all varieties" must go. Replace it with specific types of creatures.

"The sun arrived with its maternal glare" is an interesting sentence, since the sun is usually seen as masculine. I'm not suggesting you change this; actually, I think it gives power to the image.

I hope this helps! Keep writing, and just ask if you want any more thoughts.

on Aug. 31 2009 at 6:25 am
Jacquelyn Salzbank SILVER, Port Washington, New York
9 articles 0 photos 4 comments
I would really appreciate your thoughts and opinions good or bad so please comment away!


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