I try to hate you
To hate the way you act
To gain the fighting spirit I once had
A fire under me that kept me going

I try to rip you
to realize you’re not worth this
To realize you’re not worth anything
To fight back against your raging blows

I’m working
To make you see
To make you understand
To Hold on to your few redeeming qualities
To leave with my dignity
To tell you to get your sorry butt out of my house

I’m struggling
To remain calm as my life spins around
To hide the bruises on my arms
And legs
And face
To get to know
To keep you in my life peacefully
To hope your not out with someone else
As you tell me I’m not allowed to do
Or you’ll hurt me again

I want to love you
To put up with your yelling
And temper tantrums that end in hospital visits
And poorly thought up excuses you give the doctor I see so often
To ignore the fact you won’t get off your lazy butt
Or the fact your only a pain in mine

I want to fight against you
To cause you the same pain you’ve caused me
To left myself function without you there
To leave to find your way
Without me
To have nothing but regret
Because you screwed things up so bad

But I can’t make you
I won’t fight you
I’ve lost my fire
I’m tired of fighting
So I sit back and play by the rules you give me
And lie to myself, telling me I deserve to hurt
Because I’ve done something wrong
To bleed at the touch of your skin

And I know I’ll leave
Eventually
And I know it’s painful here
But it’s harder to let go
Because, some small, sick, twisted part of me
Likes the pain
Because it means you know I’m there

So I give up,
Okay?
I won’t fight back
I’ve lost all my energy
I’ll go on apologizing for thing I should do
And keep feeling guilty about the things I don’t
But, please,
Don’t tell me you love me
I can read
I have eyes
And clearly,
You don’t.
And I don’t like liars.