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Dear Someone, From No one
I know you probably don't care.
I know you're probably busy watching TV or dealing with your own problems, or maybe you're busy laughing and chasing butterflies. Maybe you spend afternoons in the grass, smelling the sun and tasting life.
Maybe you don't have time to worry about me.
But I’m going to pretend you care. I just want someone to hear me, honestly.
I don't expect you to understand or care or even listen.
I’m just hoping that you will.
I guess I should start by telling you that I wish I didn't have to live anymore. Free time is spent wondering if there's any way I could possibly suffocate myself.
I guess I should tell you that I’m sorry about this, but the problem is I’m not.
There’s a constant throbbing behind my eyes. I dream of cliff jumping (I’ve heard it feels like flying). I sleep with ice in my nervous heart, and reality slowly fades into nightmares.
I think of life as a waterfall. Hope and happiness and love fall into the hands of the people waiting below.
But fear is the only thing that falls into mine.
I feel alone.
Everyone is caught up with someone else, and I’m left standing on the sidelines, wondering what I did wrong. People tell me to open my eyes, but when I do, everything's empty. People tell me to listen and learn, but the only thing I’ve learned is that denial is prettier than reality.
Everyone’s beautiful until you look under the mask.
late at night, I’m always cold. Shivering. There’s never enough inside of me to keep me warm, and it’s always too quiet, too lonely.
There are only tears to hold me, comfort me, and love me.
But they're never enough.
So sometimes, I’ll pretend that strangers like you love me.
I paint shadows on my heart just to fill the empty spaces. The sad thing is, I’m still left hollow inside.
And I’ve decided that everyone has it wrong. See, they go around pretending things will get better and they'll make it through this and everything will be fine.
Except there's no guarantee that it will.
Because life is not a nightmare.
The nightmare is life.
I just want someone to love me.
Why won't anyone love me?
I bleed words (they're the only things I feel these days).
Life is a chess game, but I’ve lost my queen. Life is an ocean, but I can't swim. Life is a battle, but I’m too tired to fight.
There isn't anything worth fighting for, anyway.
your silence is beautiful.
I bet you're the kind of person that knows what to say when someone's crying. I bet you draw rainbows on the hands of people just to make them smile.
I bet you're the kind of person who could shatter time and make the stars crash and destroy things.
But I bet you're the kind of person that doesn't.
I bet you would hug me and carry me along and listen.
I wonder if you'd love me.
sometimes, we'll watch movies as a family. Sometimes, I’ll close my eyes and watch with only my ears and somehow, it's more beautiful then.
I feel protected. Warm. There are no demons lurking in my mind; there's no fear to give into.
And sometimes, I’ll fall asleep on his arm. Sometimes, I feel like I actually belong to something.
dragonflies kiss my eyelids like flowers.
The sun is shining, finally, and I feel like if I went to sleep now, there wouldn't be a nightmare waiting; only a pleasant dream of secrets and held hands and understanding.
Except there's another headache coming, and in another hour I’ll feel alone and I’ll be crying again.
The walls will have to keep me company.
After all, they love me more than any person ever will.
the world is hammering nails into my heart.
And sometimes, the world gives me the hammer and says, here, help yourself. It’s such fun.
I’m ashamed that I never turn away.
my body is shaking and my heart is curled up into a ball in my chest, sleeping.
I cover my ears and try to shut everything out,
but the muffled sounds still sink in, still terrify me.
darkness is calling. I won't bother you anymore.