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The fear is rising up to my throat as I see my dad run on surgery ridden knees.
Mom rushes to find her purse.
I sit watching TV,
Wondering why they’re in such a hurry.
I hear the words come out of my mouth,
I hear the question asked.
Is something wrong?
What a stupid question.
If everything were fine they wouldn’t be running.
Mom says they’re going to Granny’s.
She’s having trouble waking Papa up.
And my blood turns cold.
He’s been sick.
Cancer attacking his body with all of its might.
My heart stopped beating as the fear slowly churned through my body.
They ran out of the house, sped away in the car.
I remember staring at the door once it closed.
Crawling up into a ball and crying.
Hoping that you would keep your promise to call.
One hour went by, and I prayed everything was fine, He just has the reversal surgery after all.
Two hours went by, and I watched TV trying to forget.
Three hours went by and I began to worry.
I pull out my phone, send dad a text.
So I text mom.
Twenty minutes go by, and my Aunt knocks on the door.
She hushes me, I’m confused as to why she’s there.
She asks if my sister is asleep, I reply yes.
She pulls me into the kitchen, and I’m confused as to why.
She tries to grab my hands as tears spring to her eyes,
And I understand.
Nothing can describe how I reacted.
Just tears exploding out of my eyes.
Sliding onto the floor in her arms,
I feel my weight hit the floor with a slam.
No is the only word I know.
No is the only word I can say.
Over and over I scream it.
Over and over I cry it out.
The urge to vomit hits my body like a tank,
As I dry heave over the back door.
I scream that I want to get out.
Try to find me keys to no avail.
I fall down in bitter defeat,
And let the harsh emotions of mourning fall over me.
He’s been there all my life.
The only Grandfather I’ve ever really known.
The only one I heard say ‘I love you’
The only one in this state.
He was the only one I saw every year.
The only one I could hug.
He was the only one who would play with me,
The only one I could bug.
The only one who held me when I was born.
The only one who saw me when I was two.
He was the only one that trick or treated.
The only one who made all the Christmas lights blue.
Now he doesn’t exist.
Now he’s in the ground.
I hold his army jacket in my arms,
And listen to my own heart pound.
I still don’t believe it,
I don’t believe you’re gone.
I’ll never see your face again,
Never hear your voice.
I’ll forever regret those times I stayed home
Instead of going to the hospital with mom and dad.
I never wanted to see you like that.
I’ll never regret falling asleep, on the last day that I saw you alive.
You’ve been there my entire life,
From day one, to your last day.
I’ll be forever grateful,
And even though I miss you,
I’ll always regret not being able to tell you
Just one more time,
Exactly how much I love you