Inner battle
Every action,
Has a consequence
Every attitude,
Leads to an emotion
A Perspective that
Becomes a Reality

I hate half of me with a Passion
But i love the other half thats filled with Compassion

How i act and how i feel inside Counteract
I don't get myself nearly enough
Yet i know myself better than anyone ever will
i have so much Potential Kinetic Energy in me
i just dont know where to direct it

Half of me is so evil
So
Selfish
Impatient
Rash
Impulsive
Egocentric
I Drown in Sadness
Self Pity Strangles me
Anger

The other half of me so Innocent
My Inner Child
My true Intentions
The true Reasons of my Emotions
So Graceful
Generous
Righteous
Grand
Pure
Allure
Full of Love

Why cant i be who i wish to be
Unleash the me that weeps from within
As i watch the other half Destroy everything in Sight
Out of Desperation
Scars from Separation

If i could have it my way,
My life would be Different,
i would be Different,
i would do everything Different
i would be Organized and Punctual,
Everything to Perfection
Dress to a tee
Not lose or break a thing
Not go against everything i believe in
i would practice what i preach
and what i feel

But this Shadow is Stronger
it makes my Soul Darker

i want to learn to not waste a second of me
i know ill not always be
so why cant i be the best i can be
while i still exist?
why dont i give the ones i love the best of me
i know one day it will be too late
and all of it will remain trapped inside
and the pain of it will eat me alive

Inner War
Peace & Chaos
Dark & Light
Ying & Yang
This & That
Faith & Skeptism
Truth & Self Deception
Angels & Demons

Lightning is Astounding
But is it the ones that are in awe of its power
or the ones that try to explain it through physics
who understand it?

Faith?
i cannot explain its power
but i know it exists

God?
Maybe i was never meant to understand him
and that is why i always doubt in him
What i believe is as fickle as my emotions
People and their tainted intentions
When will i ever get any explanation

The more i get the more i want
Too much is never enough
Always chasing something more
Until i cant breathe anymore

Self knowledge is the first step to Improvement
i see myself in the mirror,
i analize my reactions,
The consequences of my actions
My permanent bleeding lesions
This ghosts that seems to haunt me
That insists of teaching me the hard way

i do not know how to be responsible
why think about tomorrow when i live today?
why do i live my life this way?
why do i always find myself in predicaments?
why do i still act like an infant?
i am my own tyrant

Religion baffles me
its power never escapes me
its important to have something to believe in
but it is also important to question everything you believe in
you dont get an answer until you propose a question
but answers can be very painful

Everything is Tainted
Religion is Tainted
Because we are all tainted
Even if i believed in God
i dont believe in what humans say of God
i think the reason why i am so Confused
is because i have never found a Stragedy to use
that hasnt been Misused

Question & Doubt
My Friend & my Enemy
Self Doubt & Self Question
My Blessings & my Curse
i Cry, but i am Happy
i feel Self-pity, yet feel so Fortunate

What if?
Why?
Who i am i?
Why am i here?
Where do i belong?
What is my purpose?
These Voices in my head
Never cease to leave me alone
These questions errode my soul

My soul is so Beautiful,
just like a
Passionfruit,
Sweet & Sour,
i fell from the tree,
Lost, not belonging,
Not attatched to my source of Energy,
No Oxygen, or Food,
Slowly Rotting
Slowly Aging
Slowly Dying

So many Thoughts Interrupted
So many Intentions Undone
So many Wants that become the Past
So many Ideas left Undiscovered

i am a Complicated Mess
i need a Compass
when what i feel and what i do
are at odds
it corrodes my inner walls

im sorry is never enough
if i can only do or say once
why do i act with the other half
not the one i wish at hand
if u never build a building,
it can never fall
what might of been will be the worst of all
but the real hurt will be speculation after all

losing.
wining.

losing.
gaining.

not to say it doesnt hurt when we fall.
its admirable to get back up and stand tall.

i dont know how he did it
daddy, help me be like you,
i know you are in me,
but the dark is stronger within me
i want to find you inside
and make you come alive

when Everything was Taken,
your Freedom Stolen
your Family, your Pleasures,
the Daily Treasures,
your things that you had worked so hard for,
all the things that you were proud of,
you still put a smile on others faces
you still gave when u had nothing left to give
when the only thing left is your Dignity
you showed the enemy your Integrity
you never wavered from your being
Sharing, spreading Joy,
Unwavering Spirit, and Unwavering Faith,
even in Solidarity,
so many Loved you,
so many Miss you,
why did such a Wonderful Being deserve such a Destiny?

i am so proud to have had someone as wonderful as you make me
and im so glad you didnt get to see what ive turned into
i would have been the biggest disappointment of your life
ur biggest strife,
all i could be,
i turned it upside down
i let you down
im glad i didnt get to see you frown
knowing the cause was my own
im glad u died thinking i was this perfect child,
Happy, Mild, Kind, Styled and
Not Completely Wild

Because if u would have known the real me
you would have despised me
you would have been ashamed of me
now you must be outraged
to see what i did while teenaged

Help me improve,
Help me grow into the woman u wanted me to
Because so far i have been everything you wished i wouldnt be
Your biggest fear confirmed in me
I did everything you did not wish for me
Im scared of how i have come to be

i will never be good enough to me
i will always be consumed in my regret
my mistakes i never forget
will i ever learn to use my assets?
i will always wish i had said or done soemthing more
i will always wish better of me
i will never fully be what intend to be
my expectations are unrealistically high indeed
to reach them
would be the only way to succeed

As of now,
When i look at me,
Failure is what i see
Starring back at me.

Im scared of Change
As much as i need it
What i feel for you is Strange
You made me see things in me
That always elude me
This battle between
What i Love & What i Want
Do i want what i Cant Have?

i hope one day to Understand
i have had so much to Withstand
Sometimes i live in Dreamland
but Reality lies Forehand
The Reason one day I will be able to help
Is because i experienced it Firsthand

i feel Happiness
Inside Sadness
i have access to my Feelings
i tap into my Emotions with ease
i think its my Chronic Disease
im so Fearless
yet im Scared to Death of Everything
but the Root of it baffles me
im Aching and Aging
Constantly Chasing
Something thats Constantly Changing

i feel like i give all my Strength and Energy
to move Forward
and i find myself stuck in Reverse
i leap Forward
taking more steps Backwards
My Vision Blurred,
Always Ending in Negative
Only Constant is my Motive
My power lies within Forgiveness
Will I ever feel Blameless?


Live & Give
You cant Give until Relieve
the Purpose and Peace within
when in my Soul i find Abundance,
that is when i will Give enough
to Outlive My Essence

In absence,
i will have to find balance
Get rid of my biggest nuisance,
Distance & Grievance
Patience & Prudence
i need to find Valience in Silence
Learn to Live
with Consequences Present
Conquer Temperance
Not Abuse Substances
find Guidance in my True Credence
Indulge in Fragrances
Make the best of Circumstances
and Live with an Empty Conscience

Im so Strong
Yet im so Sensitive
It holds me Captive
Im too Pensive
You could wreck me with a Word or Glance
You consume me with your Presence
Romance puts me in a Trance
If i gave you a Chance,
Perchance my life you would Enhance

i seek Guidance
and this is my Ordinance
Reassurance
I need Heart Insurance