water world

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He knelt alone at the edge of the lake
Tears forming rivers down his face –
Red with desperation – and blending in
With the indifferent blue glass below
As he pressed his palm into the water
Over and over
Trying to leave his imprint.





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angelawyz99 said...
Jun. 27, 2009 at 6:17 am
I'm going to have to guess that this is about the individual versus the world, in which case, I love the idea.
The tears forming rivers line seems rather cliche.
And the use of the color red, and even the word desperation, seems to make his emotion TOO extreme. I know you want the contrast, but I think you gave it slightly too much there.
Also, the first two lines happen to rhyme, or maybe you intended it, but it stands out and creates an awkwardness.
Other than th... (more »)
 
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