I'm depressed.

A sadness like I can't breathe.
Or I drop to my knees because the weight of the memory is too much for me.

That he doesn't care.
And doesn't love me,
and probably never did,
is pounding through me and ripping me to pieces.

I can't take this.

My tongue burns with all the 'I love you's I should have said and want to say now.

I bite back my useless apologies and swallow that lump in my throat long enough to lie,
and say that I'm ok,
and that nothing's wrong.

But everything's wrong.
I feel wrong.

My skin is a stranger's,
and my smile is with plastic lips and all the effort put behind it.

I say I'm quiet becuase I'm tired,
but really,
I'm quiet becuase if I speak,
my voice will crack and tremble and my composure will crumble.
And that's all I have left to hold on to.

I cling to my cool smile like a last breath.

And I close my stinging eyes
to what I "don't" miss.

I can fake this.

It hurts! Of course it hurts! Of course I'm crying!
It hurts so much to hear 'Ilove you' one minute and 'I never loved you the next'.
It tears me in two directions.

It's like saying to myself I never want to see him again when I'm already halfway there.

Asking myself why I do this...
Why must I make myself suffer
for a man that would never inconvenience himself for me?

Like everyone says 'I gave him my heart and he tore it apart'.
threw it back in my face wrapped in an 'I HATE YOU B****'
to help it freeze over.

He owns me but I never owned him.

My boyfriend?
My master?
My ex friend.
My enemy.

So I screamed out, 'I HATE YOU',
but that was a lie too.