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Relaxation comes slowly to me.
The room spinning, waiting for me to open my eyes.
Faster and faster my problems seems to come.
Self hypnosis is starting to settle in.
I create my own sins and the horrors of my dreams.
Made a never-ending cycle.
Seeing their faces again I wince.
Seeing the problems again I am convinced the cycle is starting again.
But you see, I am trying.
Trying to get out of this illusion I have made.
The feeling of the hallucinogen of the cycle continuing.
A therapeutic way to get rid of anxiety, fear, stress.
I exhale, inhale calamity begins.
A long, spiral staircase in the dark appears.
Victorian setting around me, but I cannot see the top.
I blink, straining to see past the darkness.
The only way out is to walk upward.
Scared of what is around me I count each step.
1,2,3,4,…My breathing quickens but I continue…5...6...7...8...
I stop and put my hands to my face.
I feel tired and irritable of this journey…what if I don’t want the view to change?
What if the cycle stops on its own?
After all everything comes to an end sometime.
I shake my head at this foolishness.
I know it is not true.
Their faces will appear again, the pain will come, the emptiness of my heat, the feeling of being unwanted.
The cycle MUST end.
This journey MUST continue.
I clench my fists and scream out loud, “I am strong! I can do this!”
Over and over again I shout those words, each time with more force.
I close my eyes then ascend up the stairs.
My heart is still beating as if it would jump from my chest.
Time is slow at first, but quickens as I become stronger.
This was the end 516289...
I felt the wind blowing around me.
Then the smell of fresh rain after a thunderstorm.
I want to open my eyes…this should be the end.
I took a deep breath, giving myself time.
It seemed I have waited for this moment since I was a child.
Since all the problems had begun.
I opened my eyes and saw the sun peaking behind pure white clouds.
The sky was baby blue;
I was standing on a balcony, overlooking a familiar place.
At first sight I knew where I was.
An apartment building that I lived in at the happiest time in my life.
In front of the balcony was a large cherry tree.
I leaned against the gate to touch one of the branches.
I picked one of the pink cherry flowers and held it up.
This was where I wanted to be.
The wind picked up and I felt something on the balcony rail.
Etched on it was the number 516289.
Next to it was words that my heart stop.
“I will get on a long, smooth prosperous road.”
This journey has ended but I knew another would begin.