My four walls.
Closed in all around me.
Like my own personal sanctum.
It’s the one place I can be happy.
The one place where I can be free.


No worries about being judged.
No worries about being stared at by heartless people.
People who refuse to accept others who are different.
As soon as I take a step outside my four walls, reality comes crashing in.
I’m forced to realize what I’ve become.


A snail.
I take things slow and peek out cautiously.
One quick move towards me and I retreat.
Back to my shell.
Back to my four walls.
Things like love, truth, life send me running.


They say salt is like kryptonite to snail.
Reality is mine.
One dose of it and it feels like a part of me dies.
I become someone I don’t recognize anymore.
An alter ego.


I lie to myself and to everyone around me.
I tell myself that everything is ok.
I tell people what they want to hear.
My life is good.
I’m happy.


I become this weak person who’s afraid to open my mouth.
Afraid that I’ll be made fun of.
Afraid that I’ll be judged.
I can’t take the laughter, the staring.
It’s enough to make me go crazy.
Face gets blood red.
Room starts spinning.
Can’t breathe.
Feels like bricks are sitting on my chest.
While the real me is screaming “say something stupid!”
No luck.


My lips are glued shut.
It’s eating away at me.
I can feel a part of me disappear each day.
I so badly want people to hear me.
I want people to know that I do exist.
I do have feelings.


I hate letting people use me.
I hate letting them walk all over me.
They’ve become my nightmare.
Monsters with cold stares.
Ice for a heart.


It’s like I’m invisible.
No longer do I exist.
I’m just some pathetic girl to them.
Cant face my monsters.
My demons.


I want to stare them dead in the face.
I want to say “I won’t let you hurt me anymore”
So far I can only say that to my reflection.
I then begin to realize I’m hurting myself.
By allowing them to get to me.
Letting them hurt me.


Someday soon I’ll no longer have my sanctum.
I’ll no longer be able to hide from the real world.
Part of me wants to welcome this when the time comes.
I’ll then be able to show people the real me.
I’ll be able to move on.
Start over.


Part of me dreads it.
I’ll be forced to face the real world and everyone around me.
Surrounded by so many things.
Thousands of faces.
Fast moving.
Everything becoming a blur.


Stop.
Take a deep breath.
Look around.
I’m probably not alone.
It’s time for me to face my demons.
Time to join the real world.
Time to be the real me.
Time for me to leave my four walls behind.