May 7, 2009
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I swallow
While I wallow
Over these emotions
Avoiding while toying
With others
The manipulation it bothers
Time and time
I hear the clock tick tock
There’s a roadblock
I’m on the brink
Of ruining everything I drink
Awaiting the buzz
Just because
I can and will
I swallow and act functional
Even though I’m pretty far
Down off the scale
Left feeling alone, I’m frail
I swallow, just to borrow
And steal other people’s time
Trying to help
Everyone else
Works so damn hard
While I just sit there, no heart
But secretly falling apart
I’m just a big baby
Little girl inside screaming save me!
Hate feeling jaded
I can barely make it
To the bottle
I try and try to act civil
They attempt to hide
It away, it won’t subside
These feelings clash and collide
Good to bad
Accepting not so much
I miss the touch
Of someone who was there
To help lift the cross
I bear the poison
Fills my body alcohol drills
Inside my head
Killing my brain cells
The drink is my spell
The wanting of the buzz it dwells
Inside me
In my own blood
I wrote save me I just wanted a hug
A heart around what I wrote
Desiring yet terrified I wanted to slit my throat
But still alcohol is my thrill
My favorite high
In this world I wanted to fly
And disappear
Far away from here
I would vanish
Be forever banished
The alcohol
Which eventually lead me to bawl
And scream silently
For the sanity
To feel okay I wanted it everyday
So I was never again to cave
The world has made
Life seem cruel
I’m such a fool
I swallow
And allow
The beast to come out and play
So this way
I can be its slave
I let it take control
Even though my soul
Lies dormant
It’s hard to control it
When it pushes and pulls
Never to be whole
I fall asleep
Awakening sometimes
Knowing I’m running out of time
It caught me from behind
And sneaked up on me a complete surprise
Will I ever be willing to fully realize
Life can be easier
While I grow weaker
I choose
To swallow

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