Decimation & Devotion

April 28, 2009
The night sky.





So relaxed , So sleek, So Pure





I See Through My Eyes The Figurative Wonders Of What Makes Our Lives





I Question It.. I Revoke It.. I Control It..





My Focus Turns To The Moon. Dangling Amongst The Stars Ever So Closely, Disturbingly Yet So Peacefully..





Its Glow Penetrates Immaculately Within My Eyes, Beginning To Lay The Pressure Upon My Very Soul..





I Reflect Vividly On My Occupation Amongst This Extremity Of A World.





I Remember My Studies.





I Remember My Loved Ones.





I Remember The Tolls Of Love and Hatred That Binded My Life Together.





I Can Recall The Paths I Fell Upon As Well..





The Twisted Roads Of Mistrust.. Manipulation.. & Liars





The Dark Corridors Of Hate And The Corruption From Within Myself...





I Fell From The Catwalks Of Despair..To The Stairs Of Disbelief..





.. [Falling] ..





Into Nothing More But A Distant Memory...





The morning sky.

.floods my vision into a frenzy. eating from the inside out. ripping my flesh apart

limb for limb. .bone from bone .. from head to toe

I see Myself through a reflection of a stained glass mirror.

I confront myself, unsure of what to say and what to pervade

I Don't Think Of Any Motive Or Perspective.

..i just speak..

Unsure of what to Perfect Out of my Statement, my reflection Drifts into a Hazy Cloud And Passes Through Me

..Laughing Along The Way..

I Fall Onto A Chair Stapped And Concealed In The Corner, Of The Loft..

The chair creaks ever so gently, penetrating me from my heart to my stomach..

[my heart beat bursts into a studder of fear]

Im hypnotized into a sudden fixation upon something

something filled distraught

something filled with emptiness

something unique.

My eyes followed it with a discerning pleasure to understand it.. to Break It.. To Free It.

It Was Me...

I look to my rear..

and suddenly, my shackles are destroyed.. battered across the floor..

The Sun Begins To Set..

I'am Left To Face Two Options Holding Me Down Away From My Own Will To Live..

Theres A Blade Sitting On The Rest Of the Chair now.

Theres A Door Opening Up.
as it was, light began beaming throughout as if heaven was only steps away..
I weep shameful tears regretting and hating on my past & for what my lifes been brought too.. I wish to walk right through this godlike door, but this blade is looking so tempting.. so deviant..

I Look To The Door
..maybe i can change.
..maybe they can accept
..maybe they will understand me
..maybe they can love me

... I Study That Door. I Envy It. I Don't Deserve It ...
i turn to the blade. and my eyes open wide into view of what i truly and most honestly deserved. i began to laugh, but in seconds i broke apart into tears.

I Look At The Blade
..maybe im the problem
..maybe things would be better without all of me
..nobody would care if i was gone
..nobody would question why i was gone
..everyone hates me
..i can't trust anyone
....not even myself... not .. anymore.

I crawl towards the blade. and i as i do each grasp of step became harder and harder.. i grab a hold of it.. I close my Eyes.. I grasp The Blade Ever Soo Tightly.. The Tears Are Pouring From my face Now..

As I bring the Blade Closer to My Throat. Something happens..

Im Paralyzed into a mixed state of Shaded happiness and the pretense of illusion..

A reel of film flows through my eyes, plowing everything i have ever loved and valued..

I'm Washed Into A Void of Distortion..

Emmersing into Lovable memories Of Joy and Comfort.. desposition has been set..

I Drop The Blade..

now focusing on whats true to me and not to give up.
NOT TO FALL THIS LOW..
NOT TO BECOME SO VULNERABLE..
NOT TO DIE AS A FAILURE..

...and most definitely

not to leave behind everyone who has ever cared for me
not to leave behing everyone who can ever love me
not to destroy everyone who does love me, for my own self-inflicted wounds

I Envision Myself Now

Not So Stubborn.
Not So Enclosed.


More Stable.
More Loving.

Alot More Precise..
Alot More Appreciative..

i stand up now, against this personal struggle, and the fight with this devil within me.

i realize now, what it takes to keep going on, what it takes to keep the pressure off myself

i understand now, that my life is not worthless yet neither is it the greatest

i demonstated now, where your deepest anguish can take you and what your limitations are marked..

I get up on my feet, afraid no longer of what I cannot undo, I throw the blade at the wall as hard as my will pushed me to do so..
The blade shatters into thousands of broken fragments.

I stare for only a minute, Feeling proud of myself for once in my life..
I walk slowly to the door.. feeling an unwelcoming nervousness come about me.. but i shrugged it off like a fly... I can now feel again.. Feel this strength that i had once lost.

I Walked Through The Door.
embellished suddenly with happiness..

I Take One Last Look Through That Door.. And Shut It Behind Me.





...






The Doors Of Devotion

Are What Can Embrace Your Life To Its Truest.
They Are All Around Us..Most Are Usually Hiding, But Generally They Can Be Found Right In Front Of Us
These Doors Are What Can Only Save You From The Blades Of Decimation..

















Nevertheless Both Of These Will Show You How Deep You Relish Your Own Life.





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