Partway Free

I thought I was in love. I thought I loved you, and you loved me back. I thought I would never be happy without you. But I was wrong.

I liked you a lot, but to go as far as love might be stretching it. It felt at times as if my feelings were more than love, like there should be another word that goes beyond love. I didn’t think there was a word to describe my feelings for you. But I guess there was. And it was like.

The night you broke up with me, and even the first few nights were torture. I didn’t think I would make it without you with me. But I’m still alive.

I miss you. I miss the things we did. I have a lot of memories. But I can live without you. I don’t need you to live, although sometimes I feel like I do.

I remember being scared. I was so scared to hold your hand that one night, the night of our school plays. I was scared to death and I knew I wouldn’t be able to do it. I tried. But I just couldn’t. And though I wasn’t at the time, I’m okay with that now.

I knew that was one of the last nights for us. But I didn’t want to admit it to myself, I didn’t want to let it all go, even though I knew I was going to have to soon. I loved being with you. At first anyway.

I always thought you made me free. Never realized until the end how free I could have been without you. But I didn’t want to let you go. I had to prove to myself I could do it. I had to do it for me, and you. And for us. But I never did.

I never thought you would break up with me the night you did. I knew it was coming soon but never thought for a second it would be that night. The last week had been almost perfect. That day was a little bad, but I was just having a bad day. Never guessed you would break up with me then. But you did.

It was totally unexpected, and when you did say that it wasn’t going to work, I still didn’t believe you. I just thought I could talk you out of it, like I did all the other times. Not until you actually hung up and never called back did I realize it was over.

Part of me still loves you. But I think I always will, a little. And I think part of me is still waiting for you to come back, too. I’m sure it won’t happen. But part of me just has to have that hope.

I don’t know why I can’t just think that you’re gone forever. But I can’t. So I’m waiting. I think until one of us gets married I will be. Because I just can’t stand to let go.

I know I could be free if I did. But in a way, I am. And as long as I wait, I’m okay with that. I’ll just sit here and wait for you. I know it’ll be worth it.





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