I had a thought the other day,
it was quick, and
it was small;
And it wondered what would happen,
if I hit my head against the wall.
Not out of curiosity,
to see what makes me tick.
But because I figured if I did so, then I could go home sick.
I wouldn't have to listen to the teacher whine and gripe,
about the lack of people doing homework on our only Friday night.
Or hear how we would fail if we relaxed for a second,
forgetting the five other subjects who screamed for our attention.

Perhaps instead I could lie and say that I was ill
but in the end the guilt of fibbing will
always win against the fear of returning
when did fear become a part of learning?
Fear to fail, to ruin my future,
when I don't even know if I want to write, or build, or suture.
I'm so young yet expected to know who I'm meant to be,
but looking at applications I want to scream "is this me?"
It feels as though the world moves too fast for me to try and keep up.
the more I try to run and catch it, the more I realise: I am stuck,
in a circle of pain and loneliness, robbed of my ambitions
told that to try and follow them, would lead to a failed mission.
And so the thought came one day, as I stared at a wall:
it wondered what would I have to do to not be here at all?
Break my hand with a hammer?
Snap my bones in half?
I knew I couldn't do these things, and the thought had made me laugh!
But does that signal
to those on high
that there's maybe something wrong,
with how they've chosen to run these schools for so long?
When students are more focused on learning how to cheat,
so that they stay off the street,
than what makes them happy,
it's horrific, don't you think?

And as much as I may laugh at the notion of it all,
the thought that started off so small,
I keep noticing all these little thoughts start to snowball.
The fear creeps in,
the panic too,
and with them, I am losing who
I wanted to be so long ago.
Was I ever them? I don't know.

but just maybe if I followed that little thought
The one that was so quick, and short
like a disease that I have caught-
to hit my head would send me home,
and home is better than being surrounded by all these people
yet so alone.