It began so sweet,
Like a twisted love affair.
I’d been diagnosed with depression early on in life,

So when I started using cocaine at 13 years old,
It felt like it changed who I was inside.

When I was on cocaine,
I could feel again.
I dreamed of white snow

Cascading around my nose.

I was swept away by the dream of being someone new.
Cocaine made me seem extroverted, and when I was on it, everyone seemed to like me.
But when I was sober, I was quiet and shy. I barely talked to anyone,
And I sat home alone, crying at night.
But when I was cocaine, I was no longer the same.
I swear, it changed my brainwaves.

Cocaine was my dream in one small little ziploc bag.
Sure, the bloody noses and DT’s when I tried to stop were a setback.
But other than that, I was happier than I’d been in my whole life.
When I snorted a line,
It’s almost like the stars aligned.
Everything in my life was going alright.

Hell, it was better than alcohol.
Cocaine had no calories at all!
I lost 10 pounds when I was using.
It was an addiction worth choosing.

But the comedown made me so suicidal.
It was like, I was brought down back to earth.
I couldn’t run from my problems.
In fact, using cocaine made them worse.

I got clean,
And stayed sober from coke for years. “
Until a few months ago,, I found myself using again.

Now I don’t think I can quit.

I want to feel something good,
But now, the high is barely there, “
All that’s left is my bloody nose,

And rapid loss of hair.

And I realize as I type this,
That maybe I died back in 2013.
Back when I was using so frequently.

And maybe this is hell.
I’m alive, but I’m not living.
I’m alive, but I’m just existing.
And using cocaine to filter away my pain.

Those white lines are an escape,

But now I need to escape from them.

But, I can’t.
So I find myself using as often as I can.

Crying myself to sleep all over again.

This beast was getting hard to tame.
This beast’s name was cocaine.