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A Jets Satire

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The roaring engines of the jets stormed the stadium; the maniacal crowd forced onto the balls of their feet, anticipating and betting (of course while having a few drinks) on the starting line-up, particularly referring to the person who will occupy the quarterback position. The wings that allow the Jets to soar, Tim Tebow, finally came to realize his greatest potential, which has lead the Jets to an amazing victory streak of 7 loses and a breathtaking 6 wins. The beautiful passes to the lush and glistening green grass has given Tim the largest record of intentional grounding. If that doesn’t get him into the Hall of Fame, I don’t know what will. Of course, besides his second largest world record: most hours warming a bench.

Their agility has increased, their passing distance has increased, their practice has increased, their products in each store has increased; it is the constant training of not only the quarterbacks, but their receivers, that enables the team to throw such long and over-the-head passes while managing to pose for the press pictures when the other team runs it back to their side of the field. Of course, out of the two quarterbacks, Tebow and Sanchez, Tim is the better ‘Hail Mary’ thrower. Being a devout Christian and emphasizing his religion must really being paying off. In fact, Tim has read and re-read the bible so many times that he was even able to accomplish a bigger feat than parting the Red Sea, such as Moses did. “I don’t read defenses. I stare them down until they form a path to the end zone,” says Tim. Maybe this event explains Tim’s ability to accumulate more rush yards than pass yards. However, despite the amazing skills of both Tebow and Sanchez, they’re forced to do warm-up exercises (though their talent is beyond exceptional already) by throwing balls in the general direction of each other. Before both of the offensive players return to their bench for the game winning pep-talk, they feel it necessary to work up a proper sweat, since they were not rendered exhausted yet from their attempted throws, by completing a few extra laps around the field. During these excruciatingly difficult laps, the two quarterbacks voluntarily pick up all of their miss-thrown footballs, which just happened to be hiding underneath bleachers and benches due to the wonderful accuracy both quarterbacks possess.
Despite Tim’s great personality, on the football field he can become as tenacious as a hamster and as fast as a sloth. Tebow once said, “When I give someone the peace sign, it is not a peace offering, it's the number of seconds I have before claiming a higher percentage of incomplete passes on the field.” Aside from his world renowned record of incomplete passes and intentional grounding, Tebow is also recognized for his great accomplishment of creating a new word; “Tebowing”. Tebowing is the act of bowing as though you are preparing to pray before entering the game. He is also noted for convincing the great Rex Ryan to create a play that can only be accomplished by a quarterback with “great speed and dexterity”, the wildcat play. Although it was supposed to be the Jets secret weapon, Tebow was so proud of his accomplishment that somehow it became an instant Twitter phenomenon. Strange. Though their secret was lost, the Jets can now be known for having the most tweets per second. The astonishing records, the astonishing new words, the astonishing new plays, the astonishing accomplishments; all wrapped into one beautiful player that stands above all else as a God-like figure, Tim Tebow.




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