Fear the Fettuccini | Teen Ink

Fear the Fettuccini

June 27, 2016
By sahibscript GOLD, Sugar Land, Texas
sahibscript GOLD, Sugar Land, Texas
10 articles 0 photos 0 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Be impeccable with your word"


For the unenlightened mortals of the world who have forsaken religion, take this as your first warning and new sacrament by which your life will be lived from this moment forward. Those reading this divine message will experience judgment of the highest order: life or death. Your worth and potential as a resident of this world shall be determined by our one true ruler: The Flying Spaghetti Monster.


Now, true followers of our Overlord are well aware of Its capability. Our Lord may be a benefactor to those who believe in Its charitable and humbled nature, but any who oppose shall feel Its wrath as the Harbinger of Ragu's Fury. This is only one of Its many forms, and the first rule of the New Pastafarian order is to memorize only the first twenty thousand names of Its holiness before the moon eclipses for the third time after reading this holy scripture. If not completed, the result will almost certainly be demise, for every second child among your descendants will be sacrificed to his Italianess in order to pay for your blasphemy. However, this fate can be easily avoided by following every tenet of the Flying Spaghetti Monster's will.


To understand the tenets, one must feel the Pasta Way through meditation and devotion to his Olive Oiliness. Every morning at 6:14 AM, a devout Pastafarian will prepare a bowl of fetuccini pasta with a special sauce made from goat's blood and human eyelashes. Without these two key ingredients, the pasta will be corrupted and your children will be enslaved as breadsticks by his Sauciness to pay for your desecration of Its sacred ambrosia. If any of these ingredients are not of the purest order, for example if the goats are not fed black grass from the highest point on the Parmesan Peaks, you will be labeled an "Impasta" and ejected from the face of the Earth. Your punishment will be to indefinitely drift across the cosmos admiring the meatball shaped celestial bodies that Its Cheesiness has blessed unto this Universe.


Nevertheless, our Almighty is of the purest heart and has the soul of the most savory dough to ever be kneaded by The Pasta Maker of 1,000 Ovens of Inferno-The Flying Spaghetti Monster's creator. At a Pastafarian's time of death, given that they have followed the tenets put forth by his Deliciousness, they will be blessed with one last meal of the individuals choosing. This meal will be of immortally transcendent flavors nearing the caliber of The Pasta Maker of 1,000 Ovens of Inferno. On completion of the Food, the Pastafarian's body will disintegrate and the deserving follower will achieve true Awakening: Noodlevana. Noodlevana is the highest achievement that a mortal is capable of and it entails an eternity of serving the Pasta Maker of 1,000 Ovens of Inferno. Such a task is only given to the most honorable Pastafarians and from today this is your goal.


Any non-believers who do not submit to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster shall be damned for all time and deemed unfit to be humans. Our Tasty Guardian of the Universe will find an appropriate place in the macabre show that is the Dumpster of Rotten Pasta for the carcasses of AntiPastis to rot. Kindly do yourself a favor and escape this destiny: accept the Flying Spaghetti Monster as your one true God. This is the only way.


The author's comments:

This was a satire I wrote as part of a class assignment. I chose the specific topic because Pastafarianism was a running joke at my school for a while. In terms of the actual writing, I just tried to put in as many puns and pasta analogies as I could. 


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