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A new religion of my own creation.
Before you begin to read, i would like to make a few points clear. I personally dont believe this, so dont go thinking im crazy. I wrote a large part of this at very obscenely early hours of the morning, so if points dont add up or you have any other complaints, please address them to someone who cares.
This is a religion based on washing machine instructions.
Life is like a tapestry. It works best when all the threads are in popper order. In the beginning the Creator (who wishes to remain anonymous) put together this world and all that is or ever will be on an unfathomably vast loom (What this loom was made of remains a mystery, but our scientists are working to figure it out). And the Creator worked very hard on the creation of this tapestry. When it was done, the Creator hung the tapestry on the wall to admire its magnificence. And all was swell for the first several millions of years, the threads shifted to form the rudimentary elements, the elements formed stars, the stars gathered planets, and the general outline of the universe as we know it emerged.
After a time, the planets' threads shifted further to form life, and the Creator noted this with happiness. No longer would the Creator be alone in the limitless room in which the tapestry hung, and a subtle revision of the threads of the worlds was started. Magnificent land forms were woven, glorious cities of gold and conceptual thought were erected throughout the cosmos for these new species to inhabit. The tapestry overflowed with paradises and glorious colors no longer in this visible spectrum. But unfortunately single celled bacteria and algae had little appreciation for the Creator's wonders. It was here that the problem emerged.
Left derelict except for a few more adventurous bacteria, the vast gilded cities began to rust and age. The creator saw this, and could think of no easy way to remedy this. The Creator began poking around the cities, rewarding those few cells brave enough to venture into them with the gift of evolution. But while scrutinizing these cities, the Creator had an idea; if one could wash the cities of their rust, then their old grandeur would show through once more! Satisfied with this conclusion, the creator sent warning to all the life in the tapestry to prepare for everything to get very wet. It was then that the Tapestry was taken down, carefully folded, and then thrown in the Creator's washing machine.
After pouring in the detergent, setting the dial to "delicate" (the universe is a fragile thing you know!), the Creator closed the lid of the cosmic washing machine and pulled out the dial, starting the water to pour. The booming close of the door is what scientists have come to call the "Big Bang."
The tapestry soaked for uncountable years, in which the single celled algae and bacteria, using the gift of evolution, grew into many different types of life all across the many spheres of planets throughout the universe. And the rest, as they say, is history. (we've caught up to present day! I'm so proud!)
Guidelines to living life.
Always empty your pockets before going in the wash (this translates to finish all prior engagements before clearing the slate and starting over. all those things in your pocket will only make a mess of things)
Light colors go with light colors, dark colors go with dark colors. (no, this isnt promoting racism, this is saying find a group of people that share your ideals. find good friends and significant others you can relate to, and life is alot easier)
Lint is bad. (honestly, it is. Take care of all the little things that bother you when they arise, dont let them build up because then they cause a problem)
Adjust water level to suit the amount of clothes being washed. (this has many meanings. Do what you must for the need you need to meet, but dont go overboard)
(more to come)
On the afterlife: At this point we're still pretty sure theres something that comes after life. What this is, if there are any prerequisites or any crap like that to get in, we arent entirely sure, but take solace in the fact that top men are working on it. Top men.
But if there is, it would probably go something like this.
Threads fade. An as we are all threads in the great tapestry, so too will we fade in the great washing that forms our existence. But however faded a thread, it remains a part of the tapestry. If when a thread faded it was cut out, our world would be a threadbare washing rag instead of the glorious thing it is currently. So we can only assume that we exist once we are too faded to preform our part of the tapestry of life anymore.
Another take of this is the color of the thread itself. Is this life? if so, what happens when the color is gone from it? My take on this (and you should listen to my take on this, i AM writing this you know..) is that the color represents our consciousness. When the color fades, it is not gone, just expanded to encompass the entirety of the tapestry instead of the measly fibers of our individual thread. In this sense, all life that ever was is still here, just a part of everything. So we will some day join this collective of colors and lives and live on as a part of everything that is.
Proof of my religion in the past.
It was a well known practice to throw coins into lakes and rivers to honor the spirits of the river. My take on this is, well, weren't lakes and rivers the washing machines of the day? Isn't throwing coins into a lake you wash your clothes in much like the modern day practice of putting quarters into washing machines in laundromats? the answer, ladies and gentlemen, is yes.
If you want to make changes or add things to this, please feel free to do so in comment form. I look forward to seeing if people have even read this far into this article, and to see your opinions and revisions of it.