Boys will be boys. It’s just in their genes to be distracted by a girl’s butt in tight jeans. Repeat after me. Boys. Will. Be. Boys. Since this is undeniable scientific fact proven by sciencey science, I’m not going to go into the impossibility that this chronic condition suffered by boys just might be caused by societal conditioning. Ridiculous, I know. Instead, I want to offer a solution to one of the biggest vices in any school-age boy’s life: the sight of any part of the feminine figure in a classroom.
Schools have been battling this issue for years with strict dress codes enforced almost exclusively on girls, and yet, the problem still seems to be unsolved. Therefore, I propose a different approach. I believe that, rather than trying to change the nature of the distraction, we should eliminate it from boys’ eyes completely… with school-mandated blinders for boys. You know, the kind horses wear to keep them from being startled.
See, educating boys is of utmost importance, and – since it is in their nature to be distracted easily by a bare shoulder – we should protect their simple minds at all costs. Boys will be boys, after all. There’s no changing that. If classrooms were just set up so that girls (dressed as scantily as they well please) sat in the back, and boys (with their soon-to-be-all-the-rage blinders on) sat in the front, there would be nothing preventing the transfer of knowledge into a boys’ minds. Distraction? Cured forever.
This model has a host of benefits for male education. When boys aren’t as distracted in class, their grades will skyrocket. Class time could be spent more on teaching, rather than trying to rein in raging adolescent hormones that spike at the sight of a girl’s knees. Boys will have no more need to fear standing up in class due to the tents they suffer below the belt when they catch a glimpse of female skin.
An insignificant-but-still-worth-mentioning thought: girls would benefit from this as well. Girls’ grades will go up, since they won’t be sent out of the classroom for a stray bra strap or – heaven forbid – yoga pants. Girls would no longer feel stares of lust boring into them from all sides, or feel preyed upon by male teachers – grown men – who feel the need to send them out of the classroom because they feel uncomfortable at the sight of a young woman’s body. Hypersexualization of girls will cease altogether. No more damnnnnn girl look at dem knees’s and ooh baby that’s a real sexy shoulder you got there’s while they are just trying to get the same education as the boys we simply must protect at all costs.
Who knows? Blinders for boys could become a major fashion statement. At the beginning of the year, boys and their parents could go to the Target back-to-school sale to get blinders in camouflage, tie-dye, pink rhinestones, and more! Since they would be required by schools, no boy would be left out of this trend.
As this solution gains in popularity, I can see it reaching audiences of all ages. Businessmen can use blinders to focus on businessy business, because Claire in the next cubicle can’t contain her cleavage. Male retirees who frequent breakfast cafes can wear them during their meal, alleviating the crushing burden of letting their waitress know that she is too pretty to be in this line of work and letting them focus on their biscuits and gravy instead. A set of blinders can become a family heirloom, passing from father to son after they finally begin to see women as people, not objects for their own consumption.