Sudden Burst of Sadness

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As moonlight poured through my window, like a champagne glass emptying its red wine onto an expensive white carpet, I was broken. I knew I was broken before I had this revaluation. But at this moment I truly knew that I was the most screwed up I had ever been. I was numb with how undeniably sad I was. 3 am and my heart was breaking slowly, my face was stained with fresh tears and my breathing was uneven. The pieces of my heart crumbling inside of me at a truly remarkable rate. But I just looked out my window, at the round white circle brightening up the darkness of the sky. I never had a moon in my life, maybe that’s why I was so broken, I didn’t have a bright orb showering me with light. I had a few stars perhaps even some sunsets. But never once in my life had I encountered a moon. The stars were of course my friends, though to this day I never know if I should put quotient marks around the word. Endless runaway relationships, ditched and thrown away as if they had never happened. I started to know I wasn't worth the second glance the moment I only mattered during the summer. Sweet lemonade words sloshing around in my head, because I stupidly thought forever meant forever. I knew I wasn't anything special that I, my self would never be as remarkable as the moon, or even a star for that matter.

The reason my friends were all stars is not something that metaphorical really, its quite simple. Stars are plain, stars are full of light and joy, until they, well, burn out. Just like a dying flame, my heartfelt conversations and 2 hour long phone calls with people faded into smoke, leaving my throat burning, and eyes watering. So I knew I was broken, purely shattered some would say. A carefully constructed porcelain cover, who may have been scratched one to many times, leaving the thinnest layer of paint. Now the sunsets in my life probably represent my family. Open, exciting and worthy of your time. They expand themselves they make you feel warm, loved. Sunsets are also pretty colours, photographic beauty that you can’t help but smile at. Definitely not broken. Well until you grow older and you find out that much like stars, sunsets fade into a dark black night where you find yourself alone, hugging the pieces of yourself tightly, because no one else has ever been there to do it for you, so you know where to apply the right amount of pressure to stay together. Because sunsets are picture perfect but they are also fake, disgustingly so. Behind every molecule and particle spreading out letting light rays shine through to create the perfect creation of light. Its really a distraction. One that blinds you from the fact that in a moment you'll be purged into darkness with nothing but yourself to hold. Even though, some people are lucky enough to have a moon in there lives, I do not wish for it to happen to me. Yes I am broken but I am not strung along, I am not naive. I certainly do not like feeling broken but it’s better then being completely alone. Sure a moon would be nice, someone to finally shine through in the darkest hours of the nights and your life but like many great things in the world eventually the sun will rise again leaving you feeling empty and truly alone. And I don’t know if I can hold on through the day just so to see the moon.
 






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