Alone I lie still in the frigid darkness with ideas filling my mind to its capacity, my being yearns for validation, justification, answers. Questions surface only to dissipate moments later in the eternal chasm of thoughts that seem to have swallowed my rationality. I boil and simmer with animosity yet warble with delight and bliss at the quandary and my discovery of the toll it has taken on my life thus far. I feel more lost than ever, in my goals, my intentions, my morals and my beliefs.
The feeling of losing someone is that which is indescribable, only figurative language can be used for even the slightest glimpse into the concept. It is as if someone has so carelessly come along and began to set a slow burning fire in your lungs and heart and has left so they do not have to witness the event. For so long I had put an effort in to you, seeing the best version of you as I could, bettering myself with you by my side, hoping, just longing for you to follow.
There were two of them, for me the departure was filled to the brim with sorrow and melancholy, for them what they thought it a sweet freedom. My withdrawal was self driven, self proclaimed, externally I held strong and steady but beneath the surface was different. I felt as though I was no longer whole, as if I had driven myself insane by thinking higher of them as they did themselves, by believing that they could reach potential that they were not yet ready to reach.
In some ways I felt as though my pain was self inflicted but within the stages of separation I began to notice otherwise. My feelings escalated with torturous hatred as I melted from within at the sight of them being fine. One wants to be happy that they are okay, that they are not remorseful and that they have moved on successfully, but along with this, the emotions of my soul ride heavily on the idea that maybe my leaving is effective, just maybe they are feeling a void as well. Although contradictory to one another I began to stop blaming myself for leaving, for losing them. The seething misery and irritation became submerged in new beginnings and a refreshed feeling that I had dug myself out of the grave all on my own.
With the pressures of society weighing on every option one makes, as someone in my position I started to give myself recognition as opposed to tearing myself down. For I had not succumb to the socially accepted notions that most take as usual standard. My heart had become lifted as had the weight off my shoulder. In due time, the bitter feeling I had felt within had become somewhat distant of a memory, or at least far enough away for me to successfully ignore.
Through my journey to solidify who I am I realized some of the most important ideas I have in my existence. Darkness of the soul, the mind, the world, is a myth, for darkness is merely the absence of light, there is no darkness. As I spent my time alone, away from those who are unable to comprehend yet concepts of life in the way that I do, I recognized that validation is only needed from within. External influences are meant to satiate the desire from within for affirmation, the longing for corroboration. In proceeding to cast off from a life that I falsely claimed as my own I realized the undeniable beauty in departure.