Do you ever have moments where your body just gives up on you for a little bit? Like you need a break but you keep going until your brain forces everything to shut down for awhile.. You could be having a normal day, everything is okay… You’re driving your car, running errands, and your brain just goes blank… No thoughts, you can’t speak, you lose focus and your body goes numb… You lose control of yourself. Not as in you go on a rampage or go crazy, you can’t get your to function… As if your mind made you body think it’s in slow motion while everything around is going at normal speed, if not just ever so slightly faster. When you think you finally regroup yourself, that’s when it happens, a millions of thoughts pop in your head, thoughts that you keep hidden. Stored in a concealed box in the back of your mind. If you let that box get too full, it’ll overflow.. It always does.. The tricky part is figuring out when. In all honesty you never truly figure out when until it actually happens. When you can’t prepare for the breakdown that comes after the box bursts open, when you’re alone, when you can dump some of the emotional baggage that was inside the box, but also when you’re too afraid to let some of that baggage out, because you're afraid it won’t stop. That it will continue to overflow until you’re at a numb, non-controlling state again… but this time it’s worse. Therefore you begin to find a new box, along with a smile to plant on your face while you hurry and stuff those thoughts into a new and bigger box.. Sometimes you’re not quick enough and even though your box is neatly tucked away you still feel numb. All you can picture is a dark, very dark, room with a single light up the gray, worn metal shelf housing your “new box”. New box meaning one that isn’t completely fallen apart even though it’s not new at all. It doesn’t close all the way without that pesky white tape around it, a few tears here and there, but it can hold all of those… “thought”. Therefore it is your new box.. For a long time you stare into that room.. It’s like you’re looking through the peephole of your front door but inside of seeing who is waiting outside, you see that room. Staring, you wonder if you should open that door or wait until that “person” leaves. Wait until the room disappears. So you can go to the store and get new boxes… and of course a lot more tape, because you can only have so much room for some many boxes.. After a while, you look through the peephole again and you see your neighbors, the sunshine, the sky.. But the best thing there is about it isn’t any of those wonderful things you see, it’s the ones you don’t. You don’t see the darkness, the new box you found, and the light that makes you feel uneasy. You don’t feel the coldness of that room, you don’t feel the loneliness, the hurt, and the agonizing silence. Once you go back to the room it’s not dark anymore. There are no boxes, instead a colorful filing cabinet. You’re not alone, instead you’re with everyone you’ve ever loved. Finally when you go back to that room you can sort the things that once haunted you and feel happy you’re there. You can hold on to all the good, put them in that special cabinet and piece by piece get rid of the bad. Everyone has their own worn out boxes and beautiful cabinets that they need to sort out, but not everyone knows what belongs in the box or in the cabinet. Maybe they do know, they’re just afraid of what happens when they have to get rid of the box. Maybe the room is unwelcoming, maybe there are no cabinets yet. Just boxes and boxes. Eventually all those boxes, goes to one box and then that one box leads to the cabinet. I’ve learned it’s not easy getting rid of those boxes. It’s a battle. Whether it be with yourself, the memories, the pain. It wasn’t meant to be easy, if it was there wouldn’t be any taped up boxes to begin with. All I know is surrounding yourself with people who love you make easier. Even though they may not be in that room with you, you can feel them trying to open that door to bring you more lights for the room, a filing cabinet that is just absolutely beautiful, and a smile that isn’t forced upon your face. Unlock that door and let them help you, because just like moving in/out of a house or an apartment… it’s a lot easier having people help you move things in and out, instead of doing it on your own.
April 16, 2017