A Modest Proposal: A Satirical Solution for Depression Mood Disorder

November 11, 2016
By Arionna BRONZE, Freeland, Michigan
Arionna BRONZE, Freeland, Michigan
1 article 0 photos 0 comments


It is a melancholy object to see how many people have fallen victim to the grip of depression. If the problem is not solved the earth will fall into complete sadness. If this does not persuade you to think about this problem more seriously, think about if you have a future grandchild and they kill themselves due to depression. If everyone thinks about how many people have fallen to depression in the past couple of years then think about how big of a number it will become in another couple of years. Depression is like a cancer, it hits one person and it keeps growing bigger and effecting other people. It will spread until it has hit every single person and has completely taken over the entire earth.

It is thought to be agreed by all parties that the life-threatening occurrence of depression has gotten too far and has caused too much pain by taking too many lives without reason. Depression has also become a way to tear apart families and cause grievances.Depression is nothing but a way to create damage and sadness.Therefore whoever finds a easy and quick solution should become the president for eternity. (exaggeration. You can not literally be a president for eternity because it is longer than a life time.)

But the intention is far from being confined to provide only for the betterment of depression victims, but to bring joy and stress-free lives to families. This will help everyone to be at a better mental state and the world will be more pleasing. And also since the world will be such a happy place, it may end war. Instead of killing each other, we may be able to come to agreements.

As to the taken part, It has been studied the proposals of other projectors, and concluded that they are not nearly as efficient as they claim to be. “Previous studies have shown that generally LTD can be readily induced in acute hippocampal slices prepared from juvenile or from adult rodents under specific conditions…”(mel,11.8). This study shows that studies have been comparing the human brain to rodents which is absurd! We are not like rodents, we are civilized. “Periodic face-to-face sessions between therapist and patient have been the most traditional medium…”(mel,11.5). Obviously if someone is depressed the last thing they want to do is give their money to someone who will just listen to them whine. “ The monovalent cation lithium, whose introduction in psychiatry dates back at the end of the 1940’s…”( mel,11.8). Another reason why this is not working to help patients, is that they have to give their money for someone to give them a pill when they probably do not want to take it.

Now to present the new idea, which Is hoped to not be subject to any disagreement.

It is humbly offered to public consideration that humankind as a cohesive and cooperative unit, should just get rid of the problem. Literally lets just get rid of the people who are depressed! This will stop the cancerous disorder from spreading any further.

In this scenario the earth will take all of  the depressed people and terminate them by giving them harmful objects.  Do you want to sleep forever? It is okay because you can earn a full bottle of melatonin. Do you like drawing on yourself? It is okay there is a solution for that too, just take one of these free packs of blades. You do not like the size of that blade? Well then you are in luck because just for the desperate who need a  bigger blade, you can get a free blade that will cut through even the toughest objects.(Incongruity. Instead of helping the people overcome depression, it is killing them off and persuading them to fall back into depression.)

Of course this leads to giving the depressed free internet access at any given location. This also includes closing up any asylums and therapy available. This will cause the depressed to lose mental stability and will help cyberbullying. This is proven to help push the depressed to the limits. This will help complete the termination process.

These drastic and sudden changes may be difficult due to any disagreement and time management. If some people refuse to cooperate it will be a setback in time. But overall since there is so many depressed people, this will help with earth’s resources too. Taking out the depressed will help the positive.

There is not thought of any valid objection that may be introduced to antagonize this proposal unless there were to be that one overly nice person that tries to talk the depressed out of termination, as there will always be that one mooshy gooshy person.This solution will prevent this though because if there is any disturbance from people trying to help they will get a prison sentence. This prison sentence will also come along with a fine. How much money the person will pay will be discussed on the seriousness of the felony.This is proven to work, as people do not want to go to prison or pay a fine.

Again, no one should dare to suggest these notions until they have a small spark of hope that these actions may be implemented.

It is not that the input of others is not respected on the subject to this topic, but simply that it has took an eternity trying to get research valid enough on this topic. It has taken another couple of eons to write a reasonable and valid solution that used up an entire brain worth of work. This is the only solution that will work because no one else took eons and an eternity along with an entire brain worth of work on the topic.(Exaggeration. You can not spend an eternity and eons in less than one lifetime and you cannot literally use a whole brain.) And since so many people have loved the movie “Terminator” It is only reasonable that they have no choice but  to love this solution.

The author's comments:

It is not serious it is satirical.

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