Facades and Friendships

February 28, 2009
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Okay, so the way things are... I just wish that I could change who I am at will... It's not fair that I can't control these sorts of things. People often say that you control your own destiny... but they never went to high school. Even when you want to change who you are, there's always the factor of what other people will say. "Don't listen to others" "They don't matter" "Who cares what others think'; I've heard it all before ... but the truth is , no matter how many times people say that , it doesn't change the fact that their opinions matter .

The fact that I can't change a single thing about me without everyone questioning why is enough to keep me the way I am no matter how much it hurts me. If one day I'm acting even the slightest amount different, people will ask if anything's happened or something. I just want to change who I am, no questions asked. I guess it's just hard for people to accept someone like me as anything other than the me they've known.

When there is someone who is known solely as a nerd, or any other sort of stereotype, any sort of change that seems to come up in their personality is automatically shut down. No one will accept the reality that people change. And the funny thing about all this is the fact that I truly am not the person I project. Sure I have an attitude and sure there are a lot of things I could learn about being nice, but honestly... I'm just a really unstable person.

When I think of the kind of person I pretend to be, I think of a girl who has so much confidence in herself that she shuts the rest of the world out just because she doesn't care about them. As for me... I shut out the world because I'm afraid. For as long as I can remember, I've been acting tough so I wouldn't be pushed around. Since I don't have many friends, I've always believed I was alone in the world... no one to stand up for me... no shoulder to cry on... I still feel that way.

My whole life, I've never been the first person someone thinks of when it comes to friends. I've never had anyone who comes to me with all their problems. I've never gone to anyone with my problems. It just leaves me alone... So I shut out the world. With no one to turn to, it's not that surprising. And truthfully, I seem pretty put together at times... and I talk big... but in truth, I'm unstable and on the brink of breaking down.

I cry at night when I think about the person I am and the person people think I am. I just want to be able to be shy or be nice or something without being judged. Is it really so hard for people to accept the fact that I might finally want to change who I am? I'm really just the kind of person who wants to abscond and shut out the world'

If I could just have one friend... one person I could talk to about this... I think that it would make all the difference... is one friend really that much to ask for?

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Deliah This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
May 13, 2009 at 10:44 pm
it can take years for some people to make friends, but when they do they are usually worth while. for now,feel free to retreat your own little world-read a book,or listen to an mp3 player. know that writing gives you strength,and w/e you do,do NOT give up:)
ModernBoredom said...
Mar. 23, 2009 at 12:29 am
Very well written! Even if someone had no idea what you were talking about, they might get an idea from the way you write. And I know what you feel like, though usually my rants end up crumpled up and thrown in the recycling. I've pretty much doing what you have ever since the third grade. I'm still in the same cycle,but basically, you can eventually decide to be different. I've sort of done it. I was the class bully for a while, but eventually I got fed up and decided to accept that no... (more »)
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