So you just bought your shiny, brand new dog, and you're wondering what to do now. Luckily I have great experience with dogs and know exactly what to do. I can walk you through the appropriate steps to ensure that your dog loves you for more than the standard mut.

First, you'll need to feed it. You must go all out with the feeding process. Most “experts” recommend a high protein kibble or chow. But let me tell you, your dog will behave much better when you serve it a proper, 3 course meal. The first course must be the green's. The greens will give your dog the outdoor spirit, making him more likely not misbehave while going on a walk. The second course is the grains, this is a must if you don’t want your dog to become constipated. Because that is the last thing you want. Third is the protein course. This is the most important course and fuels your dog with all the energy it needs. If you're feeling extra generous, you can even give your dog dessert. From personal experience I’ll say you don’t want to feed it chocolate, it usually doesn’t end well.

After feeding you'll have to make a place for your dog to sleep. And I’ll tell you right now that a standard dog bed won’t cut it. Now I have a special room in my house for my dog, but if you don’t have that luxury, you're going to need to create the perfect space for your dog to sleep. You’ll have to get an insulated and heated dog house (in case the power goes out) and put it right beside your bed so that you can keep an eye on it. This way if your dog is having nightmares, you can you can easily get out of your bed and go comfort your dog. This is why I also advise also having a light and doorbell inside the dog house, because you wouldn't want to scare your dog while sleeping. Because that would make you a bad owner.

The last and most important step to owning a dog is play time. Playing is at the very center of your dogs being. It's what gives him the will to live on. I know from experience that your dog will go completely berserk if you skip play time. Throughout my many years of owning my dog, I have created the perfect regime for k-9 play time. I propose at least 6 hours a day of supervised play time. This can be divided into common activities like running, fetching, bone chewing, and socializing. In my case, I don’t have enough free time to give my dog the appropriate 6 hours of free time, so I have a deal with my boss where he lets me leave work 2 hours early every day, in exchange for a 50% loss of income. In my opinion this is a completely worth it trade off.

Now recently I was at my cousin's house, and I told him all the things that he is doing wrong with his dog, and I was utterly confused that he didn’t understand the necessities of proper dog hair. He said, “that isn't needed, the most important thing is showing love and keeping your dog alive.” I was so upset I left his house and went to my house to take away my dog's house, and buy some normal food. And the most awful thing happened, my dog acted the exact same as he did with all the extras that I had bought.