Second Letter to Uncle Sam

1/2/13

Hey Uncle Sam.
It’s your Silicon Valley niece again. I’ve a sneaky feeling you actually read my first letter – the one with the New Year Resolutions – ‘cause even though you didn’t care to reply, I see you’re trying to do something about gun violence.
Anyway, I thought I’d help you out with another troublesome issue that’s on your mind: immigration. So I hereby humbly submit a “modest proposal” for preventing illegal aliens from being a burden to the country and for making them beneficial to the public at large.
As you know Uncle, illegal aliens are exploiting the generosity of our great country, abusing America’s open borders, taking away American jobs, burdening America’s public schools, and draining America’s social services. Reckless aliens who sneak across the border are instantly hired by unscrupulous employers to pick tomatoes and clean windows while full-blooded Americans stand in unemployment lines.

You remember, Uncle dear, how illegals used to have the decency to remain out of public sight. But now, emboldened by their growing numbers, they march down American streets, hide in plain sight, wave foreign flags, demand rights and even citizenship. A few years ago, they even called a national boycott of work and school, declaring May 1st “a day without an immigrant”!

Surely, Almighty Uncle, it’s time to do something about illegal immigration.

And surely, you’ll agree that whoever can find a fair, cheap, and easy method of making the illegals sound and useful members of these united states, should have their statue set up in the national mall.

First let’s review some of the impractical solutions proposed in recent times:

Mass deportation: this would boost the turnout for patriotic parades, especially if, as Mitt Romney suggests, the deportation is voluntary. But the number of illegal aliens already within the country (about14 million) makes it highly impractical. Not only would the bus lines stretch from Cleveland to San Diego (even if we pack132.5 illegals per bus), but with gas prices at $3.59 a gallon, you simply can’t afford it unless you bomb Iran asap and transport all their oil to our shores.

Stone wall/electric fence: this would definitely create jobs first in construction and law enforcement, and subsequently in tourism because the fall of the Berlin wall has created the need for another historic wall in the world. However the cost of building, maintaining, and patrolling a wall along the entire southern border could be prohibitive. In addition to the cost of the materials (at $14.25 a stone the materials alone would come to an estimated amount of $ 563, 279), you would have to take into account the cost of employing border patrol guards (all of whom would have to be legal and paid at the legal hourly rate of $8.50). Even so, this may not prevent desperate illegals from tunneling deep below the wall in a dark parody of The Great Escape.

Deny jobs/benefits: this can potentially force illegal aliens to crawl back under where they came from and give back American citizens the right to enjoy the pleasures of cherry picking, window washing, and child-rearing. But what if these aliens prefer to starve and die on our streets rather than starve and die on their own streets? If this happens, American citizens of good conscience will be forced to stay indoors or cover their children’s eyes on the way to school. Besides, if cheap illegal labor is squeezed out of the market, the cost of cherries will shoot up, clear windowpanes will become a luxury, and wealthy American parents will have to raise their own children.

Guest worker program: this would be fantastic, because it would ensure a steady supply of cheap labor. And since guest workers would be paying taxes without being entitled to long-term benefits, they could save the nation’s fast dwindling social security fund. You would also not have to worry about temporary guests putting down roots, networking, organizing, moving up, or assimilating. But by effectively giving amnesty and rewarding those who break the law, this program may send the wrong message and encourage millions more to cross the border.

So what then can you do? Well Uncle, here’s my modest proposal which I hope you will not find in the least bit outrageous or objectionable.

Mandatory Military Service (MMS): out of the estimated 12 million illegals in the country, nearly three quarters or 9 million are computed to be adults between the ages of 16-38. I propose that a mandatory 5 year military service with 36 successive months of active duty be instituted for all adult illegals, male and female, provided they are found fit in body and mind. Even if a projected 75 thousand of the already computed 9 million are deemed unfit in body and mind (a knowledgeable medical professional confirms it cannot be much more, since these men and women have proved hardy enough to survive the dust, heat and stress of border crossing), roughly 8 and a ¼ million young, healthy, trained adults would become available for military use within a relatively short period (a knowledgeable retired General I interviewed assured me that a young healthy illegal adult who has successfully conquered the border can, with 3 weeks of training, be deployed most cost-effectively in tropical, mountainous, desert, and urban terrains). Armored Alien Battalions made up of well-trained illegals can also serve very effectively as Ground-Drones. And since illegals already perform many kinds of para-military jobs (with some even managing to enlist in the military itself), my proposal for mandatory enlistment would simply legalize and extend a well-honed existing practice. Besides, since legal immigrants who enlist and deploy are currently put on fast-track to citizenship, it would not seem totally unfair (like amnesty may) to give illegals a similar opportunity. Any illegal who returns alive from the 36-month tour-of-duty would be granted instant citizenship; an illegal who is killed in action, would be granted instant posthumous citizenship.

Alien Youth Intel Program (AYIP): I propose that the 4 million strong illegal children who currently cannot enlist be required to render the mandated 5 year military service upon turning 16, until which time they are to be enrolled in special institutions that prepare them for covert military operations. Since immigrant children come with in-built genetic capability to learn foreign languages (they already speak at least one), the military can unleash them into countries where they can blend in with the locals and gather valuable intelligence. This proposal will not only save the money being wasted on ineffective foreign language instruction in public schools across the country, it will be welcomed by all intelligent American students who have a healthy aversion to learning weird languages.

Alien Border Breaker (ABB): so as not to waste the precious resource each illegal represents, I propose that the projected 75 thousand adults who are identified as unfit for military service be enlisted for a period of 3 years into homeland security as Alien Border Breaker at 50% minimum wage, and set an annual quota target of 333.3 illegal breakings before qualifying for citizenship.

The main advantage of my modest proposal, dear Uncle, is that it will allow you to move the war on terror to a whole new level, easily and cheaply. You could not only put more troops on the ground in Iraq or Afghanistan for a much longer time, you could also attack Iran or Ubekibekistan without rousing public disgruntlement. In fact you could deal so effectively with tinpot dictators who threaten American interests and crazy terrorists who undermine the American way of life that the price of gasoline would plummet to a dollar a gallon at the pumps, and your popularity will skyrocket through the hole in the ozone layer. And I know you know how to use such awesome collateral benefits to shock and awe the world.

But dearest Uncle, if for any reason you have even the teeniest objection to my modest proposal, I request you to first ask the illegals themselves if they would not think it a great happiness to be honorably enlisted into the service of the country where they seek citizenship and thereby avoid the fear, abuse and exploitation at the hands of immigration officials, employers and others they currently experience.

Almighty Uncle, I hereby solemnly swear that I am not an illegal immigrant nor am I related to one and so do not stand to benefit directly or indirectly from advocating this modest proposal.


--CK