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Controversial Topics from the Fast Food Point of View
[Lights flash across the stage, purple followed by yellow, blue and red. Music with loud and obvious drum roll plays in background while two high backed chairs swivel around. One holds host Max Mathews while the other holds the guest star A. Ham-Berger.]
MM (Max Mathews): And we are live! Welcome to our special episode: Controversial Topics from the Fast Food Point of View! Big welcome for A. Ham-Berger, a real life cheese burger.
AHB (A. Ham-Berger): Thank you Max, you are far too kind. Now you people wanted to know my feelings on some...if-y topics? Did you not?
MM: Yes, Mr....?
AHB: Just call me Aladdin. My first name you know? [Winks and audience laughs.]
MM: Okay Aladdin, We have a few topics to cover today. Just answer to the best of your ability. [AHB nods.] First question! [Drum roll] What are your thoughts on capital punishment? For a murderer, let’s say.
AHB: I would say that every action that’s negative has repercussions. Like once I called my friend something nasty and that got me into some hot oil, if you know what I mean. All I’m saying is that death might be too soft. And I don’t mean torture. This tie in perfectly to animal experimentation, you get?
AHB: Instead of experimenting on innocent animals, why don’t we try experimentation on criminals who actually did something cruel?
MM: Well that’s going to go well with the people who won’t even allow the killing of murderers and instead sentence life sentences in cozy prisons....
AHB: I’m really trying to get a law degree right now so I can alter that. [Audience cheers, AHB shrugs.] I’m just trying to do something that I think is right. [Audience claps]
MM: Since you have such strong opinions, what do you say on racial equality? Some are all for it, some hate it. What’s your drift?
AHB: I say go for it. Almost everywhere is partly multicultural now. And we’re all people so if you can’t handle that, you don’t deserve French fries.
MM: Amen to that, even though I’m an atheist. I suppose that would also be you opinion on gay marriage? [AHB nods.] Well, our time is up. Let’s give it up, once again, for A. Ham-Berger!
[AHB takes off top bun and bows. Audience goes crazy and claps while the two chairs swivel back again. Ending music.]