Children are an investment. The cost of their upbringing is only the overhead expense. After only a short period of time, you are able to reap the benefits of cheap public schooling, and a few years of persistent nagging and encouragement. Only about a quarter of their valuable lives are actually spent under your roof, receiving room and board without pay. After saying goodbye, they are working – working to pay you back every penny for that supposedly costly thing called love.

Keep your workers in line. Were they to be dogs, you would easily hit them on the snouts with rolled up newspaper. Teach them to obey your every command, to worship the ground you walk on, cherish every second of your time. Remind them each and every day of their place – better yet, of YOUR place. Remind them that they are no different than pigs, and that it would have been no trouble for you to do away with the runts of the brood. By training them at a young age you are being extremely cost efficient. The frugal and smart parent will yield the most quality products.

Beat your children. Intimidation is key. Feed off their fear for their respect is finite. Make them run and hide in shame for ever disobeying, or questioning your place at the head of the table. You are their life, their childhood hero, the very means of their existence. They are indebted to you.

Corporal punishment, domestic violence, are dysphemisms for good parenting. Wooden spoons can be used for more things than tossing salad. In a blind rage, any household item within reach can serve as your disciplinary tool. Some people find such methods barbaric, "cruel and unusual". Effective parents call it a learning experience.