Not My Life

June 30, 2011
I hate myself. Its true! I hate myself because I can’t do anything right. I crushed the hopes and dreams of a child. I failed as a successful person and supporting son. I have lied, cheated and killed. None of these things made me think different about myself. I truly, truly hate myself. I planned to commit suicide. Yes, I carefully planned each method and step. Should I jump off a building? No. I might just live through the fall, then I would be even more miserable. Maybe hang myself? Again, to risky. I need to get it right the first time, or else I’ll be a disgrace. I know! There’s a rifle above the fire mantle. I’ll sneak over there, take the gun, run into the woods and shoot myself in the heart. I should die fairly fast. It’s okay if I suffer a little, that’s the least for my punishment. That was my plan. I had to wait for the rest of the day to pass first.

Mom took me out to eat. My last supper. She didn’t know, that’s the way I wanted it. We started to talk. First about coffee, then caffeine, then the girl who’s sitting by the window. I started to laugh. I looked at Mom, her warm smile and gentle eyes. I’ll miss her. All of a sudden I didn’t want to die. I couldn’t understand why, I just didn’t. I still hated myself, but I just didn’t feel the hate at the moment. As the conversation went on, the topic changed from the rotting barn that’s down the road a little ways, to Jesus Christ. I was already a Christian, same with my Mom, but we still like to talk about Him and his teachings. We mainly talked of the Great Commission and setting good examples. You can tell if a person has Christ by looking at his fruits, the Fruit of the Spirit. I like to see myself as a fairly good Christian, but as I looked at the fruits, I noticed I did not bear any of them. Oh, God! I thought, I don’t have any of these. I just sat there, thinking about my coming death. Is this a good example for me to set? The great commission is spreading the Gospel and to help show people how to be saved. Honestly, will people want to be a Christian if I, a servant of God, killed myself? I excused myself from the booth and went to the bathroom. While on the toilet, I prayed. I asked God if it was wise to kill myself, even though death is what I deserve. As soon as I said ‘Amen’ everything clicked.

I knew the answer. Immediately after standing up, the automatic toilet flushed itself. I didn’t even get the chance to wipe. After washing my hands, I went back to the booth and asked Mom if I could have some cheese cake. I smiled at her. I can’t kill myself! How stupid can I get. I have a mission, the Great Commission! A reason for living. I shouldn’t live my life for myself. I need to live it for my Mom, Dad, sisters, friends, people and God! All my thoughts before hand was about me and how much I failed. But that was expected by Jesus. He didn’t think that I would be perfect, he thought the exact opposite. This is the reason why He died on the cross. Now, I have a reason for living. Jesus gave me that reason. I need to show others that His love is true and pure by producing Fruits of the Spirit. It doesn’t matter to me anymore if Suzy Clem comes around and verbally abuses me again. I can pray for her, and when the time is right, I’ll tell her about Jesus. Thank you, God. You helped me realize that its not my life to take.

Join the Discussion

This article has 3 comments. Post your own now!

Malaika J. said...
Apr. 24, 2014 at 9:42 am
Praise the Lord! Lately I have been learning kind of the same lesson, life is not about me, it is about Him. All the little things in my life that I think are so huge, don't really matter at all. Because one day I will be in heaven, and I want Jesus to say, "Well done. I know this one, Father, let her in."
Distant_Freedom said...
Feb. 11, 2014 at 9:25 pm
I congratulate you on the fact that what your purpose in life actually was was revealed to you in one glorious moment. It's a shame that you had to go through all that pain and hate first, but you were lucky. If only I could experience the things you've experienced.
Doctorbug said...
Apr. 5, 2013 at 5:39 pm
*speechless*   I honestly don't know what to say.   God is good.
bRealTime banner ad on the left side
Site Feedback