A Modest Proposal to Increase Elderly Productivity

August 16, 2010
By , Roberts Creek, Canada
As the populations of developed countries age, these nations find themselves forced to deal with increasing costs to facilitate the elderly as they sit in their care homes and spacious condos in Florida. With such a large chunk of the population consuming so many resources-- and generating none, it makes sense to put them to good use.

I propose that we create giant bakeries, where enslaved- I mean, happily employed- seniors can work making cookies and assorted cakes for the rest of the world. After all, with so many grandmothers and grandfathers already baking large batches of chocolate chip cookies, it would simply be a way to capitalize on their talents. These people would not be paid in money, but rather in hard candies, dentures and hip replacements, all of which the workers will need.

Of course mentally ill people would be a fire hazard (imagine if they forgot to turn the cookie timer on), and they are very common in older age brackets. Not to worry! With their limited memories, they would make ideal spies! No one suspects a little old lady to have microphones in her knitting needles, and if the old lady doesn't remember that there are microphones in her knitting needles either, there wouldn't be any cause for suspicion. After all, if we wired Alzheimer patients and other dementia sufferers with cameras and dropped them into important international gatherings, then they could provide us key information without even knowing they were doing so. That way, if they got caught, the agent wouldn't even know they were a spy, and no one would be able to trace them back to their original country.

The physically disabled are yet another subset of the aged that would be unable to bake cookies or perform espionage. They would be most likely relegated to medical testing centers, where young researchers could figure out how to cure the problems that arrive as we age by experimenting on their new test subjects. The patients would feel great satisfaction in their contribution to science, and be proud that they were helping save their grandchildren from the fate that they were resigned to. That way scientific efforts would be greatly furthered, and it would be a boon to the quest for immortality, or rather prolonged usefulness to society.

With these programs put in place, the world's economies will find themselves booming with increased productivity and cookie reserves, solving poverty and malnourishment in one fell swoop!

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This article has 3 comments. Post your own now!

earlybird_8 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 25, 2010 at 3:02 pm
Hey guys! If you're reading this article, please comment or rate it so I know if I need to work on anything. Thanks!
Thesilentraven This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. said...
Aug. 20, 2010 at 6:08 pm
You have a brilliant mind, my friend.
earlybird_8 This work has been published in the Teen Ink monthly print magazine. replied...
Aug. 22, 2010 at 8:05 pm
Why, thank you.
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