If I Were a Man | Teen Ink

If I Were a Man

April 12, 2023
By Anonymous

To my core, I am a stereotypical woman. I love shopping, getting my nails done, and going to cute, little coffee shops to try overpriced lattes. With this title of “woman” also comes other unfair stereotypes and hostilities.

Going to university and living on campus in a tiny dorm room that the school claims are building “close-knit” and “supportive” communities has taught me quite a bit, and no, not about how to deal with messy roommates or how to do your laundry. More specifically, lessons about the real world and how there are many people out there who do not perceive women as equal counterparts. Oh, how easy would it be to live life as a man?

If I were a man, I would want to go through my current life that I am fortunate enough to already have but with some major differences. I would be able to walk to my classes without worrying about being stopped by a member of the opposite sex to have an unfortunate and awkward conversation. Proceeding this, I would not have to worry about this person following me to my class if I were a man. In an instance I am stopped by a member of the opposite sex and I do not want to entertain them, I would be able to reject them without the fear of being put in a dangerous situation.

After attending my classes and returning to my residence, I would want to go to the store to do meal preparation for the rest of my week. If I were a man, I could easily walk down the street without having to anticipate any catcalling or harassment. There would likely be some joy in that walk despite living in boiling-hot Arizona weather. 

Later that day, I would go to the gym and get some lifting in. If I were a man, I would be able to confidently walk into the weight room with no concern. I would not have to worry about being intimidated or forced off of certain equipment because the other men around me would understand that I belong there just as much as they do.

That weekend, I might decide I want to go to the bars with my friends because that is the average weekend activity for men. If I were a man, I could set my drink down at the bar and walk away from it. Upon returning to my drink, I could confidently keep it as I would not be concerned about being roofied. After having a few drinks and starting to feel a little bit loose, I would be able to dance with my friends without any concern about the opposite gender approaching me in a disrespectful or harassing manner.

That following week I would return to my classes. If I were a man, I would spark a debate about cars with my classmates, as men do. However, if a member of the opposite gender wanted to join our conversation, I would not have to worry about them knowing more than me on that topic. That is because members of the opposite sex do not know anything about cars or mechanics.

Once it is time for graduation and to go into the workforce, I would break up with my girlfriend because they have a future career lined up after graduation and I need somebody whom I can provide for. If I were a man, I would be making more than my girlfriend or wife ever would, even if we had the same job, so there is no need to be with a woman who does not want my help. After breaking up with my significant other I would not cry if I were a man. This is because men do not cry and they are not sensitive to emotional situations.

If I were a man, life would be so much more simple. I would only have to be concerned with the economy, my career, providing for my family, and hanging out with my friends. With the worries gone about nearby dangers which are constantly circling the minds of women, I would be able to focus on other aspects of my life significantly more. This is, of course, if I were a man.


The author's comments:

This is a satire piece I wrote for my english class. I am currently a freshman in college and since arriving here, I have quickly realized the issues concerning women and the inequality that takes place in the real world.


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