Dear Dream School,
You said in all of the 12 letters and 14 emails you recently sent me that you’re searching for the best of the best for your school. Well, stop your searching, because here I am! I am pleased to inform you that I meet all of your criteria: brilliant, creative, motivated, humble, you name it. Seriously, name any quality. I will find a way to conform to it.
Let’s begin with my academic qualifications, shall we? Through hard work and motivation, I achieved a 5.6 GPA in my junior year of high school. I took chemistry, English, calculus, statistics, US history, government, Spanish, French, Mandarin and biology during my first semester, all of them AP classes. Because I enjoy the rigor and challenges that these classes present, I took initiative and assigned myself supplementary projects in the majority of my classes. My vocabulary is prodigious; in essence, I am an ambulatory dictionary. If you’re curious about my SAT scores, I earned a 2400 all nine times I took it. In my defense, I would have gotten 2500s if they had accepted my extra credit questions.
My academic excellence, while clearly exactly what you are looking for, is outshined by my participation in extracurricular activites. I couldn’t possibly list all of them, so I’ll just jot down a few that I think you’ll find intruiguing. In my spare time, I picket for the rights of transgender goats from broken homes, a cause that is very dear to me. I also founded my city’s first Disabled, Blind and Deaf Orphans from Minority Races Awareness Foundation and enjoy reading the Bible to trees in peril.
I’ve noticed that you prefer students with school spirit. I think you’ll be pleased to hear that I have more spirit than the Holy Ghost. I’ve built a shrine in my living room to my high school’s mascot and, as the captain of the cheer teem, have taken it upon myself to wear my uniform every day of the week to show my school pride.
My stellar physical abilities will contribute immensely to your athletic program. You have renowned baseball, volleyball, basketball, football, soccer, badminton, track and field, cross country and dance programs. I am phenomenal at all of these sports and practice them on a weekly basis. My resting heart rate is 20 beats per minute, and I’ve even taught myself Tai Chi and Kung Fu.
Of course, none of this amounts to the life-changing experiences that I’ve had to prepare me for my college experience. Buckle up, Dream School, there have been quite a few of them. When I was seven years old, I traveled to Mexico for the summer to build houses and learn respect, perseverance and other life skills that build character. At the age of eight, I moved to Malawi for two months to administer life-saving vaccinations that I invented myself. And most recently, at the age of 14, I won a Pulitzer Prize for a newspaper that I singlehandedly wrote, edited and funded.
In conclusion, I think that I am the perfect candidate for your program. If you need any further references, please go to my letters of recommendation. I think you’ll find the ones from Pope Francis, Richard Dawkins and Beyonce particularly interesting.
Please pick me, Dream School. Please.
With love and fierce desperation,
A Hopeful Future Student