Converting to Business-ism

April 30, 2012
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I’m tired of listening to those highly sophisticated students with their 4.3 GPAs. Of course, they are majoring in business. As a biomedical engineering student myself, I find business undergrads passionately disapproving of my lifestyle. “And you have certainly been studying scientific values of anti-socialness, correct?” they whisper with smirks when I pass by, gesturing erratically to illustrate their super social skills. From their point of view, anti-socialness (“engineering”) is a time waster that a college student cannot afford. Moreover, it represents a social harm towards the entire college atmosphere; it is a mind trap which saps our coexistence with other human beings. Supposedly, engineering would not help us climb the networking ladder, nor would it help us succeed in the art of life.

I shall say, on my part, that business undergrads are profoundly active. I enjoy their bright smiles and their heart-warming speeches. But ultimately, I pity them. I feel their hollowness, even after their 10-minute bargaining speeches in their tailored suits, even after their over-the-top plastic hair, and even after their festive get-togethers. But why are they so special? What can engineers do to be as nifty? There is such an obvious solution for this discrepancy.
To become more popular, engineering undergrads should take a few tips from the business undergrads. I find that business students have profound class with their Nike sandals, high-top black Nike socks, Nike shorts, Nike T-Shirt, and aesthetically off-centered Nike baseball hat though at times, as noted above, business students even tap into their inner superman by ripping into a classy suit for Look Like You Know Watcha Doin’ 101. So why don’t engineers have this profound class? Perhaps we are a bit outdated with our classic “peanut butter and jelly sandwich”, loafers and jeans. It only makes sense that we follow the religion of business so that we too can be enlightened as to “full life.”

What we engineers need is some of this social elegance…maybe even a few tips on dating. If we conform to the business model, engineers—who used to live at our desks—would swap our reading glasses for sunglasses and tan outside on the college lawn at unspecified hours of the day. We are bound to look better with an attractive tan line, letting girls know that we are not the old pale nerd that we used to be, but rather a new man who will invest in chemotherapy in 20 years.

And more networking would get done by us engineers. But one might ask what kind of networking? Of course business student don’t reveal their secrets, as if the term “networking” is some sort of top-secret new Apple product. Instead, they reply casually, “Uh…just like…uh, network, dude.” As you can see, eloquent speech is one of their strengths. But after some digging and mathematical derivation of the Reductio Ad Absurdum Theorem, I’ve discovered their secrets to networking. To succeed, business students begin by knowing their targets—who they are and what they like. Then they spend countless hours fiddling with their hair and practicing their gossiping skills through Facebook, Twitter, and text messaging. Lastly, they approach their future friend by spewing a few inspirational quotes from shows like Saturday Night Live, giving their target a taste of their cleverness. However, a business student has informed me of one side effect. Business students who go minutes without talking to someone may have a tendency to create imaginary friends. Well, at least we wouldn’t have to worry about being alone.

Best of all, we would have to attend yoga, salsa dancing, or a party every other day to maintain a 4.3 GPA. I mean, networking does lead to success, and often cheating. I mean, it gives networkers a respectable deviation from actually learning. Who needs to learn when we can just talk?

Okay, to be honest, there is no reason engineers should feel bad about themselves. Business students could actually learn a few skills from engineers as well. Business students’ true colors shine with oceans of laziness, and earthquakes of drama; as we infiltrate their ranks as business majors, I just want to see them mature. Engineering students look down upon business students’ false visages and highly overworked networking ethics.

Upon further examination, their symptoms of unnatural skills are quite clear and prove their true status. The business students are fighting a bizarre problem, and must find things to waste their time. This is exactly what their new hobby is, “Time shopping.” So, to escape from their traps and first world problems, many business undergrads are switching majors since they have too much time available. They feel they must do something, learn something, be something. And at the end of the semester, they realize that the real business profession requires often a dull life sitting at a desk and crunching numbers all day. They begin to complain, “I feel like…” and eventually switch majors…to something more creative and exciting.

So then, which is better: engineers finding a classy persona or business people finding a work ethic?





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