They told me it was no use. That they would be setting me up for failure. I didn’t give up. They judged me. I didn’t give. They hurt me with their stupid misinterpretations of illusions that were formed from only mere assumptions. And a part of me wants to believe them. A part of me wants to give up. A part of me wants myself to give in take it accept it and just fade away into the mass of students and to blend in. They say I’m tenacious. They say I’m illogically fighting for myself. They say I will be crushed and there is no use for me to go further. They say I should revoke myself of things I already have and have done because its no use. I will fail according to them. And most of myself believes it. After all I have gone through all the struggles and horros that I have faced for these people to sit there and tell me that I am not brave. That I have faced nothing in life and I never will. They decline their judgement comes from steriotypes and assumptions that were never there. They say I am part of the problem. Things I was good at or I so had the very upmost slightest confidence I was good at that were truly the only reasons for me not to hate myself, they tell me I am not good at. My whole existence that I was striving to continue was left on the drive of the force that I believed with my heart that I was good at these things, but now I am told I am not. So then who am I? These people are leading me to believe that all I have ever loved in myself should not have been loved. They are surprised that I made it this far when I am looking to move forward. They tell me to stop when I want to go. They crush me telling I am stupid trash when I have thought that I have continued in the distant future I would believe I am gold. Though this aching feeling tells me to belive them. That I am not ever going to be gold; I will always be trash as they have told me. I will never be anything more. They have kept this assuptions without knowing the horrors I have been through and am going through. They make me feel as though I am a mere idiot. They make me want to give up in total, when they are the ones who I have trusted and belived. And now they want me to believe I am worthless. I will stomach this. But I don’t think I can ever digest it.
April 13, 2017