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Welp, Our Generation Stinks (Like an Orangutan at the Zoo)

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Many people say our generation is slacking in education, health, and common sense, which is nearly impossible to disprove. Some may blame this intellectual decline on previous generations, media, or even Marilyn Manson. However, I find the root of this earth shattering lack of morals and intelligence can be blamed only on one devastatingly prevalent entity: Disney princesses.

I haven’t yet been acquainted with a single little girl who has not seen a Disney princess movie. Our parents start us young; forcing us to watch “Cinderella” and “The Little Mermaid” before we can barely speak. Both movies appear to teach us morals, when in fact all they achieve is venerating terrible lessons, such as: You have to be beautiful and wealthy to get the man, as seen in “Cinderella.” You have to be entirely clueless to be attractive to the opposite sex. (Ariel knows absolutely nothing when she meets her Prince.) All that matters in life is finding Prince Charming, and that said man will be outrageously handsome, wealthy, and will fall entirely head over heels for you. The movies teach boys that the only things that are remotely important are looks and money, rather than intellect and personality. It shows that it is acceptable to lie to try to get the man if you don’t feel as though he will love you for who you are. (If Cinderella had told her Prince who she actually was, he wouldn’t have even given her a second glance.) In “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves,” little children are taught that if you sing all of the animals of the forest will be drawn to you, and they will become your friends rather than trying to eat you. What if a little girl tried to sing in the forest and a cougar decided she was his next meal? Not only does it teach you that animals are not potentially harmful, it implies that it is perfectly acceptable to walk into a house of seven men you have never met and that you must clean and cook for them! No wonder there are so many “Go back to the kitchen” jokes and creepy rapists in the world, they must have seen “Snow White.” I declare lies!

By the time my generation reaches forty years old, we’ll all still be searching for our Prince or Princess. Instead, however, we will all be reduced to having forty cats and staring at Facebook all day waiting for something to happen with our lives because animals didn’t whistle with us, we never found our glass slipper, and we weren’t born into mermaid royalty. Clearly, the only solution is to grant every citizen as royalty and train all of our animals to sing to us. Thanks, Disney. Way to be.



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